Friday, November 26, 2010

Cuttlefish Omnibus

Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.

It’s the latest in technology, delivered to your door
Like the internet, but portable—why, who could ask for more?
All that Cuttlefishy goodness, but in one convenient book
What a marvelous invention; don’t you want to take a look?

You can take it to the mountains; you can take it to the park;
With a flashlight or a candle, you can read it in the dark!
It’s much lighter than a laptop, so transporting it’s a breeze
There’s no silicon or plastic—nope, it’s all recycled trees!

It's the omnibus edition! It's the Cuttlefish, condensed;
If your dog is acting funny, it's because he must have sensed!
So you'd better buy an extra, when you're buying one for you,
Cos the animals all know, it's all the verse that's fit to chew!

You could buy one for your Mother; you could buy one for your Pop
You could buy one for your Pastor just to hear him holler “stop!”
You could buy a bunch, and swap out all the hymnals in a church
So they never find “Amazing Grace” no matter where they search!

You could pull one on the Gideons, and place them in hotels
You could slip one to a Wiccan while she’s murmuring her spells
It’s the perfect gift for enemies—the perfect gift for friends!
It’s the gift that keeps on giving—oh, the messages it sends!

You can take one on an airplane; you can take one to the beach;
You could buy them by the dozen, so there's always one in reach
It's a conversation starter, if you bring it on a date,
And you'll know if you're compatible before it gets too late!

Be the first one on your block to place your order—click today,
And the elf and fairy printers will get on it right away!


Joan said...

I’m ordering the Cuttle book
And also the Mark Twain.
Collecting literary gems
Has always been my aim.

Both satirize religion
And mankind, they love and hate.
Both authors have the tendency
To oft self deprecate.

Both take on current social views
And shred then into pieces.
Each book’s a pretty hefty tome,
The weight of college thesis.

Now on the whole, I’m thrilled to death.
I’ll get both while they’re hot.
There is one thing that struck me,
Just a minor caveat.

The Twain book took 100 years,
The Cuttle somewhat less.
Still, something they’ve in common
Irritates me, I confess.

It’s just a tiny thing, you know,
A needle, not a shaft.
But neither book, it would appear,
Contains an autograph.

Cuttlefish said...

Where do you live, Joan?

Joan said...

We live in a suburb of St. Louis, but formerly from Hannibal. Hey! Can you contact Mark Twain for me too? I'm not sure where he is exactly. He said something about Heaven for climate but Hell for compatibility, did he not? (grin)I gotta tell you I'm not putting any home specifics up here on the blog or I might find D.M. in my front yard.

Brian ordered your book from LuLu about an hour ago so it's being processed even as we speak, provided Lulu works on Sat. It's going to be a real book! With a cover and all that stuff. Can't wait!!.

Cuttlefish said...

Ah... so, functionally, you live "nowhere near any of the places I am likely to visit in the foreseeable future". Bummer, that.

I'll see what I can do about contacting Twain, but of course Kipling ("do you like Kipling?" "I don't know, I've never Kippled.") tells me that "never the Twain shall meet".

Joan said...

Yep, unless they develop sticky note fly leafs in order to paste on later, It's looking kind of grim. Nevertheless I've emailed our locale in that eventuality. You should have cuttlefish stationery, however. That logo is way cool.