The Digital Pack-Rat, vol. 23

Welcome, to a special blasphemy edition of the Digital Pack Rat, courtesy of troll/spam commenter "DM". I was not going to include the second entry today, but since DM called this a "blasphemy blog", I really have no choice. All credit, though, must go to DM--it is his spamming that leads directly to this blasphemy. If he wants to see more, he should keep spamming. If he really cares about his faith, he should shut his pie-hole. Oh, and for the rest of you--on the off chance that blasphemy offends you, you might want to click on through to some other page right about now. Fair warning.

So... the first verse is only a *little* blasphemous. It was a comment on "America's Next Religion", the game show proposed by PZ, in which the various faiths compete to become our National Religion.

Onward, Christian soldiers! Grab your cellphones! Make the call!
To make certain your religion is the favorite of them all!
The preliminary judging puts us clearly in the lead,
But your vote must still be counted to succeed!

Onward, Christian soldiers! It's a one-nine-hundred line,
That will keep your lord and savior turning water into wine!
We know we've asked a lot before; it's really kind of funny,
But your vote is what we need now, more than money!

Onward Christian soldiers! Vote as often as you can!
For the god who loved you so much that he turned into a man,
And got nailed upon a cross of wood (which you should not attempt)
Just to keep the right religion tax exempt!

Onward Christian soldiers! Stop your praying! Grab your phone!
Your God may be omnipotent, but can't do this alone!
Yes, we told you faith moves mountains, but we're asking you now, please--
God needs action now, so get up off your knees!

Onward Christian soldiers! Here's a message from above:
We're about to get our ass kicked by Muhammad's boot of love!
All your praying is a waste of time; We really want to win!
Here's a New Commandment: Praying is a sin!
...

Onward Christian... never mind, you haven't got the stuff--
You must've thought that prayer alone would really be enough.
We lied, and you believed us. Guess we just deserved to lose.
But...
Do we really have to suck up to Tom Cruise?

Ok... now the fun one. This one comments on an interesting find on Amazon.com, again reported by PZ. It seems they sell communion wafers, and in the "people who bought this item also bought these", we see... Astroglide:

I hold it as a point of pride
To walk with Jesus by my side
With him alone I will abide
It was for me that Jesus died.

I walk with Jesus, every stride;
To him alone will I confide
The things I seek, He will provide
No need of mine will be denied.

My heart, of course, I open wide
And let my Jesus come inside;
Jesus wept. And me, I cried:
That's why we bought the Astroglide.

Lastly, to keep people thinking about giving, a comment on the umbrella organization for non-believers to give aid to Haiti (and, I hope, a continuing project when it is needed):

I probably would holler
If you stole from me a dollar,
But a dollar isn't really all that much.
I could maybe buy a cola
Or a handful of granola;
Maybe tuck it in a g-string, but I couldn't buy a touch.

I'd be angry for a minute, maybe two
But a dollar might be life or death for you.

And you know I'd shout aplenty
If I went and lost a twenty
That's a pizza, and a six of decent beer
Or the cover at a nightclub
Where I'd go, or where I might, bub,
If it wasn't so annoying, so I mostly just stay here.

I'd be pissed off for a day, or two or three
But that twenty bucks might save your family.

I'd be sure my anger thundered
If some asshole stole a hundred
Cos a hundred is a major chunk of dough!
And I'm sure that I would feel it
If some wanker were to steal it
But a hundred means much more to you, as anyone would know.

And a hundred less would hardly break my neck
In perspective, guess it's time to write a check.