Friday, July 23, 2010


Oh, HATE!!! Distilled to element—oh, hate; oh, hate; oh, hate-oh!
An idealized form of hatred scarcely dreamt about by Plato
I despise the caterpillars that descend on my tomatoes
And I wish that every one of them would die.

Though I hate them with a passion, and I kill them with devotion
There are others who feel differently—one group had got the notion
They could X-ray one while crawling, and examine it in motion
(While the gardeners among us wonder “why?”)

So they took these little bastards (whose existence is appalling)
And they photographed their innards with an x-ray, while they’re crawling,
For the purposes of science (which I still find rather galling,
And I hold a strong suspicion that they’re nuts!)

But they took the fancy x-rays, and they looked inside the critter,
With a particle accelerator acting as transmitter,
(I’m not certain, but the odds are they announced it all on twitter!)
And his walking starts with movement of his guts!

Yes, each movement that he makes begins with innards forward-thrusting
Which the scientists find wonderful—myself, I find disgusting—
They propose a robot model (which, with luck, will soon be rusting)
Where a soft and gushy robot would be best

And the nasty little bastard who demolishes my garden
And who makes my hope diminish, and who makes my anger harden
And who ought to die a horrid death, if you will beg my pardon…
Is the prototype. I think you might have guessed.

Ok, the truth is, I don't know what sort of caterpillar was used by the researchers. But most of the popular press articles are using the Tomato Hornworm as their example.

I hate tomato hornworms. Hate, hate, hate, hate.... On every level, I hate them. I have found a total of one of them thus far this year... which makes me nervous, because how the hell do you end up with one caterpillar?


Researchers have examined them, and have found a new means of locomotion! Rather like me at a buffet line, these caterpillars lead with their guts, and let the rest of them catch up. Different, as I said, from any other walk.

Of course, the possibility of robotics is being explored. I would bet, without a shred of evidence thus far, that the caterpillars' contribution is being used to deliver ordnance. Just guessing.


Dorothy said...

I now see why the earlier comments about -DM-
Not to offend any pharingulites or cuttlefishians, but
Please go take your meds.

Joan said...

While I empathize with CF’s morbid hatred of the worm,
There’s a current more annoying one, which causes me to squirm.
Is there no good bug repellent which can rid us of this pest
Who seems able to invade here and engender such a mess?
What? No vaccination program to pre-block this worm’s invasion
Or a more direct bug zapper if he needs some more persuasion?
It’s a worm that keeps on morphing into more confusing shapes.
Point of fact his mindless gibbering is more akin to apes.
Is it not counterproductive to remain a gracious host?
Get the Raid out, please! Eliminate the curse of D.M’s posts.

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cuttlefish said...

DM, didn't your god tell you it's impolite to threaten other commenters? Do you secretly *want* to find yourself servicing Satan for eternity?

(for any confused--I deleted DM's comments before Dorothy's; she was not hallucinating! DM, on the other hand...)

Joan--I hear and obey!

TigerBeatle said...

They used Manduca sexta, the tobacco hornworm. Yes, the equally evil twin.