Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Translating from Creationist to English

I’m looking for a linguist who can help me with translation—
For it seems two different languages are used within this nation;
Much more tricky than Bulgarian, more difficult than Greek
Is the twisted form of English that Creationists now speak.
The only rule, thus far, that I have managed to detect
In the reams of legal documents I’ve gathered to inspect,
Is that any word among them that’s significant, has changed
To a wholly different meaning, through some process that’s deranged.
When they say, for instance, “family”, they often mean their church,
And “society” is meaningless without the phrase “John Birch”
This wholesale transformation of the language is quite ruthless;
When they claim that “it’s the truth”, you can be certain that it’s truthless.
When “academic freedom” means that teachers have to lie
And “scientific evidence” comes straight from God on high,
“Intelligent”, “complexity” and most egregious, “theory”
Are transmogrified to such degree it makes my brain grow weary,
I know there must be something I can do to ease my pain
So I’m looking for a linguist, so that I can start to train.
I’ll start out easy: Black is White, and Up is often Down;
And Behe is a scientist of nationwide renown.
Now stretch a bit, with claims that are a little bit more bold:
The fossils say the earth is just a thousand decades old!
And DNA quite clearly shows the fingerprint of God
Evolution is religion, once you see through the façade.
This is getting really easy; now I think I have the knack:
Any doctor saying prayer is ineffective is a quack!
If we show sufficient faith we can turn hurricanes away—
If a city still gets flooded, it’s cos someone there was gay!
Now I’m really having fun; if you think you’d like to try,
There’s a simple, simple shortcut: all you have to do is lie!

(I will take this opportunity, to try it out again,
Wishing happiness, longevity, a sweet life free of pain,
To the Noble, Good Creationists, who fill me with delight!
Now, I need to find that linguist, but I think I said it right!)


The Ridger, FCD said...

I'm a linguist, and I think you've got it down pat.

EcoGeoFemme said...

Great, as usual.

FYI, I just spent like, 45 minutes composing 10 lines of verse about you over at cae's. Then I come here and see this epic that you probably thought up on the bus.

Rana said...

Nobody can understand
The idiots that plague this land
Whenever a fundie clears his lungs
I just presume he speaks in tongues
When Moses was up on Sinai
Did he he use drugs to get him high?

Glendon Mellow said...

Oh man- hahahahaha....

I'm just grinning at the whole thing. The rhythm is excellent, the content skewering!

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Cuttlefish said...

Thank you, all of you.

I think I said before, some of these just write themselves; this was one of those. Under 2 hours, and I don't really know how long for sure because someone was in my office trying to sell me something for at least half an hour of that time. By the time I was halfway done, I knew all the rest of it, and it was just a matter of typing.

I love it when that happens. It is the exact same phenomenon as when you are driving on a highway for an hour or so and don't really remember the last half hour--it was automatic, or more properly, overlearned. We all do this on some things; once in a while I get to do it in verse.

Lucky me!

Podblack said...

*kicks Cuttle for being so talented...*

I should go tell Dr Karen Stollznow about this one! She's a PhD in linguistics...

slith said...


Monado said...

As a technical communicator, I know it's hard to get people to define their terms and stick to them. This is right on. And you skewer them so nicely.
It should appear on my blog at 06:30 on the 29th. (I think this link will work now so you can check it in advance.)

Spoony Quine said...


It's much shorter than my way of putting it!

I like this blog. :)