Tuesday, January 01, 2008


As of midnight last night, New Hampshire's laws have changed, allowing "civil unions" between same-sex couples. In related news, there appears to be an upcoming election, with candidates vying to stake out the high moral ground. At least one candidate has announced plans to use the civil union issue in campaign ads. No, I won't say which one; I won't waste the pixels. Suffice it to say, the whole state has been rocked to the core by the knowledge that the sanctity of our marriages has been fundamentally shaken overnight, by allowing people to marry one another simply because they are in long-term loving relationships. The nerve...

I had insufficient warning
When I stumbled out this morning
Past a half a dozen candidates, each stumping for my vote;
When I looked, the morning paper
Had a headline of some caper
Or the record-breaking snowfall—really, nothing there of note.

So I grabbed my trusty shovel
To plow out my “home sweet hovel”
When I noticed something different—something didn’t quite feel right.
There was snow, and politicians,
But some change in the conditions
Made me wonder if my marriage had the sanctity it might.

So I checked the sanctitometer
And struggled not to vomit—her
“Conventional morality in danger” light was on!
Now a grim new dawn was breaking
And I couldn’t stop my shaking
‘Cos the morally upstanding world I trusted now was gone!

I considered seeking shelter
As I watched the helter-skelter
Of the politicians canvassing the noble Granite State;
I heard one of them disparage
Civil Unions, or Gay Marriage
As the reason for the panic—then I thought, more clearly, “wait!”

All this rattling of sabers
Is about my friends and neighbors;
These are people whom I know, and who have lived here all along
If these folks are who they’re blaming
It’s just pre-election gaming
And between the politicians and my friends, I know who’s wrong.

If our morals are declining
As the candidates keep whining
I propose a different theory to explain why this is so:
An invasive mass of liars
With their speeches, signs, and flyers,
Slinging mud and kissing babies in a dog-and-pony show.

Soon the voting will be over
And the state, from Keene to Dover,
And from Lancaster to Nashua, will heave a weary sigh;
With the moral issue buried
Now my neighbors can get married
And the Granite State will mean it when it says “Live Free or Die!”

(Tip o' the cuttle to Dispatches from the Culture Wars)


EcoGeoFemme said...

Outstanding post!

Bora Zivkovic said...

E-mail me ASAP, please.

Bora aka Coturnix
A Blog Around The Clock

Podblack said...

Sheer brilliance. Well done NH! :D

Cuttlefish said...

Thank you, all.

Pod... if NH had done it properly, it would not be Civil Unions, it would be Marriage, and it would not be this year but long ago. But thanks.

The Ridger, FCD said...

"Welcome to the frozen mid-winter Carnival of the Liberals 55. Okay, so it's not that bad. But what with some 850 thousand potential voters getting to dictate who's winning and who's out of the race to the other 174-plus million of us, it sort of feels like that, doesn't it? Frozen out... But if it's cold where you are, the outrage will warm you up. And if you're tired of the hoopla over the primaries, have no fear: this edition of the Carnival of the Liberals won't focus exclusively on them. In fact, only three of the winning posts even mentioned the American elections. Liberals have a lot on our minds these days."

Paul D. said...

Wonderful...now which candidate would have thought to use this as an issue? Per chance was it a someone who did not believe in evolution?