Saturday, September 18, 2010

The War On Christmas Comes *Really* Early This Year

(cuttlecap tip to BlagHag) (sorry about the formatting)

No, really. It's apparently real--not a spoof. And it's got a Baldwin brother! Extra points to anyone who made it through the whole trailer without either laughing or facepalming.

No wonder people look at me strangely when they find I'm an atheist; this movie presents what they think atheists are, and I am not at all like that. Come to think of it, nobody is like that.

This is a beautiful piece of propaganda; in the trailer alone, the revisionist history about both the holiday and the country shine through. As most of us know (except, of course, the people who need to the most), the beginnings of Christmas in America (home of The War On Christmas, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Fox News) were not festive in the least. The Puritans had better, purer things to do on December 25th (for a couple of decades in the 1600's, Boston even had a law prohibiting the celebration of Christmas!); a Christmas holiday as we know it did not begin until the 1800's. Interestingly, celebrating Christmas (as opposed to observing it) spread with the notion of Santa, "The Night Before Christmas", and commercial connections to stores and products, not with the story of the birth of god's human sacrifice.

Those who wish a return to the traditional values of Christmas, away from the secularization, are welcome to stay inside, draw their curtains tight and stick their noses in their bibles. I will expect them to show up at work on the 25th (as, indeed, Congress did in 1789, the first Christmas under our constitution). Myself, I will gladly take the opportunity to celebrate with Cuttlefamily and friends. We will probably feast, and may even sing--such decadence would surely have been frowned upon, even fined, by the founders of our Christian Nation (TM).

Good.

A repost, from earlier wars on earlier christmases:

From the Cape of Good Hope to the Newfoundland islands,
The sands of Iran to the Panama isthmus;
From Outback Australia to Inverness Highlands
It’s time to take arms in the War Against Christmas!

My weapons are mistletoe, Christmas trees, holly,
A yule-log, and caroling out in the snow;
Sleigh-rides and snowball-fights, eggnog and Jolly
Old Santa Claus, laughing his loud “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

We’ll make them forget all the Truth of the season—
The sacrifice planned by a god up above—
And have them believing some bastardized reason
Like giving, or kindness, or caring or love!

I’ll cruelly and callously help out a stranger
Who’s down on his luck or has suffered some loss,
I won’t even speak of the babe in the manger
Whom God sent to Earth to get nailed to a cross;

When the winds of December conspire to freeze us
I’ll help collect sweaters and coats for the poor,
Neglecting to make any mention of Jesus,
Whose torture is really what Christmas is for.

My hatred of Christmas will focus my labors
On weaving an atheist fabric of lies—
For instance, I’m giving to all of my neighbors
Gift baskets, cookies, and fruitcakes and pies!

I’ll say “Merry Christmas!” I’ll say “Season’s Greetings!”
I’ll say “Happy Holidays—Joyous Noel!”
Intending of course, that with each of these meetings
The Truth About Christmas can just go to hell.

The truth is that Christmas is not about presents
It’s no time for songs, It’s not time to be nice
It’s not time for feasting on turkeys or pheasants—
It’s sin, and redemption by blood sacrifice.

No time to be jolly; no time to be merry
It’s time to be solemn, and grim, and devout!
The heathens might find it depressing or scary
But that is what Christmas is truly about.

Yes, Jesus is really the ultimate reason
And Christmas is really redemption and sin;
The war against Christmas is early this season—
For God’s sake, let’s hope that the atheists win!

5 comments:

Richard said...

Holy crap. I assumed it was a joke. The evil atheists are out to ruin Christmas, telling little girls not to perform in Christmas plays, and probably kicking puppies. It's disgustingly dishonest.

Cuttlefish said...

Can't be a joke, Richard--Stephen Baldwin has no detectable sense of humor.

I definitely want a copy of this flick, though, to watch with the Cuttlefish University atheist club... which I will have to form, if only to be able to watch this flick with them.

Joan said...

Bravo! It’s never too early to start pre-debunking this bunk. While skimming through the oft hilarious Dickipedia yesterday, I was surprised to find Santa on the list of people who’ve been naughty. Included in his ‘bio’ was this sentence:

“Though there is some debate about what leads someone to believe there is such thing as a“War on Christmas,” consensus is coalescing around the theory that it stems from watching “Fox News” while licking Chinese toys.”

Matt said...

Bah! I almost made it through the whole thing without a facepalm. That is, until I heard "Christians happened to have started the United States of America!"

No extra points for me!

On a lighter, more serious note, I really will try to appreciate the holiday this year. At least from the perspective of celebrating life and the promise of spring.

Robin Lionheart said...

Though I haven’t seen it myself, Rebecca Watson wrote an article, “Why You Should Watch Christmas with a Capital C (Seriously)”, saying the actual movie was more evenhanded than that propagandistic trailer marketing it to Christians.