Translating from Creationist to English

I’m looking for a linguist who can help me with translation—
For it seems two different languages are used within this nation;
Much more tricky than Bulgarian, more difficult than Greek
Is the twisted form of English that Creationists now speak.
The only rule, thus far, that I have managed to detect
In the reams of legal documents I’ve gathered to inspect,
Is that any word among them that’s significant, has changed
To a wholly different meaning, through some process that’s deranged.
When they say, for instance, “family”, they often mean their church,
And “society” is meaningless without the phrase “John Birch”
This wholesale transformation of the language is quite ruthless;
When they claim that “it’s the truth”, you can be certain that it’s truthless.
When “academic freedom” means that teachers have to lie
And “scientific evidence” comes straight from God on high,
“Intelligent”, “complexity” and most egregious, “theory”
Are transmogrified to such degree it makes my brain grow weary,
I know there must be something I can do to ease my pain
So I’m looking for a linguist, so that I can start to train.
I’ll start out easy: Black is White, and Up is often Down;
And Behe is a scientist of nationwide renown.
Now stretch a bit, with claims that are a little bit more bold:
The fossils say the earth is just a thousand decades old!
And DNA quite clearly shows the fingerprint of God
Evolution is religion, once you see through the façade.
This is getting really easy; now I think I have the knack:
Any doctor saying prayer is ineffective is a quack!
If we show sufficient faith we can turn hurricanes away—
If a city still gets flooded, it’s cos someone there was gay!
Now I’m really having fun; if you think you’d like to try,
There’s a simple, simple shortcut: all you have to do is lie!

(I will take this opportunity, to try it out again,
Wishing happiness, longevity, a sweet life free of pain,
To the Noble, Good Creationists, who fill me with delight!
Now, I need to find that linguist, but I think I said it right!)