Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Cunning Plan... (thank you, California Supreme Court)

I am very nearly back--I will hand in grades tomorrow, and will post a bit of a personal update after that, and try my inadequate best to thank people who have helped me more than they could possibly know. For now, all I will say is Thank You All, so very much, for your kind words and deeds.

First, though, a regular post...

Ok, California, you have pissed me off. But you have given me an idea.

I read it in the news today—
The Cali courts have had their say,
And if the gods have made you gay
No more can you get married.
The logic that the judges wrote
(Except in the dissenting note):
Fifty percent, plus one more vote
Gets any measure carried.

And so it is with great delight
I urge you now to stand and fight—
Our cause, you’ll see, is wholly right,
If I can be so candid;
The group that we will now oppose,
The proper person’s fearful foes—
Our enemies, of course, are those
Who choose to be left-handed.

In writings since the Ancient Greeks
Left-handers have been viewed as freaks;
They’re sinister—their form bespeaks
A tendency toward sin!
But now (he said, with evil laugh)
The court has simplified the graph:
If we can gather just one half
Plus one more vote—we win!

So join with me—we’re on a mission,
Seeking to restore tradition;
Sign our “Right Is Right” petition
And join the teeming throng.
Stand up! Say no to left-hand choice!
The courts are with us, so rejoice
And join right in, in righteous voice:
“If it’s not right, it’s wrong!”

Even right-thinking (pun intended) southpaws should sign this one--the notion that the civil rights of a minority are at the mercy of the majority's caprice and whim is... short sighted. If I were in writing form, I'd throw in some reference to a house divided against itself, or of separate but equal, or some such, but I am a bit rusty. Instead, I simply offer a heavy-handed "modest proposal" in the manner of Jonathan Swift. Right-handers are in the majority--why do we put up with the obviously inferior and literally sinister left-handers? Fifty percent plus one vote, and we can take away their rights!

It's an issue that cuts across racial and religious, socioeconomic and educational lines. It is an economic issue--must we really make left-handed scissors? Left-handed desks? What next, left-handed cars? Driving on the left? It's unamerican! Lefties have disproportionately more industrial accidents--why should they have the right to work at all? They increase our insurance rates while diluting our gene pool! They are unnatural and wrong! It is time we did something about it, and the California Supreme Court has sent us a welcome signal! All it takes is a bare majority!

Left-handers should not have the right to marry. They should not have the right to separate facilities and/or equipment. They are not equal; they should not be treated as equals.

California, you know what to do.

If lefties want rights, they can move to Vermont.


The Ridger, FCD said...

He's back! Let the rejoicing begin!

Stacy S. said...


Unknown said...

Yay! Welcome back Cuttlefish.

Podblack said...

:) :) :)