Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I used to like chipmunks. "Squirrels with racing stripes", they were cute, harmless little fellows. But now. Now, they have laid claim to my back yard, which I would not mind (less to mow!) except that the back yard is where the garden is! They have ruined several harvests over the past few years--popcorn a few years ago, bean seedlings last year, and every year, my strawberries. This year is the worst so far; I think Cuttlefamily has eaten less than a dozen strawberries, while the chipmunks have had hundreds.

While I’m weeding in my garden, as my calloused fingers harden
Every chipmunk in my yard enrages me with each tail-flip;
I had learned from cherished teachers, there were stripes upon these creatures,
Their identifying features, which I saw as they went zip—
Yes, the nimble little bastards did not run, so much as zip—
At a very speedy clip!

I’m no tree-or-rodent-hugger, and that cheeky little bugger,
With the holes that he has dug around my garden, makes me yip;
And I know it isn’t fairies that have heisted all my berries,
So I’m growing more than very certain, I must crack the whip!
If the bastards see me coming, they can all expect the whip—
With a shout of “chip, chip, chip!”

Every year, I’m more than willing to do seeding, weeding, tilling—
Must I now resort to killing pests that steal a little nip?
This is not some simple trifle—I don’t really think my wife’ll
Want me reaching for my rifle, much less shooting off a clip—
Though I must admit I’ve fantasized of firing off a clip,
Just to stop the “chip, chip, chip!”

Or a slug shot from my pistol, hitting medial or distal,
And a chipmunk-colored mist’ll stain my ivory-inlaid grip;
So the furry little beast would die, and I, I think, at least would
Look a little like Clint Eastwood, as I’m shooting from the hip—
I’d say “Punk, do you feel lucky?” as I’m shooting from my hip—
Just to stop the “chip, chip, chip!”

But of course, when I awaken from the daydream that I’ve taken
I will find that I’m mistaken, and he’s given me the slip!
Now he’s showing off and taunting, while his racing stripes he’s flaunting,
While my garden wall he’s haunting, from the bottom to the tip—
There are tunnels leading everywhere, from bottom to the tip
And that nasty “chip, chip, chip!”

And the chipmunk, never quitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,
Eating all my food, and shitting, with a smile upon his lip
For he knows he has me mastered, and the furry little bastard
Treats my feeble heart so dastardly, I know my pulse will skip
I can only hope it starts again, but surely it will skip
From that beastly “chip, chip, chip!”

So... I am asking my intelligent and helpful readers for one of two things: either tell me how to get rid of chipmunks, or tell me your traditional family chipmunk recipes.

I'm serious. It's time to turn the tables.


Darlene said...

A friend had squirrels, and was told to splash some of his urine around his fences to mark his territory. he drank a bottle or three of wine, gathered up his courage and went out to mark. He claims that regular marking did, in fact, keep out the squirrels.

He also realized that he could pee in a cup and pour it around rather then sneak out under cover of darkness and hope his neighbors weren't watching :)

Or a dog could help. Borrow one, if necessary. They don't need wine to mark, nor cover of darkness.

Cuttlefish said...

So... get pissed, go piss. Worth a try.

The chipmunks actively taunt cuttledog, so I don't think that will work. The cats volunteer to help, but we like songbirds, so the cats are strictly indoor pets.

Part of the problem is, the berries they are eating are planted directly by the rock retaining wall where they are nesting. They can stay 2 feet from safety and eat every single berry.

Darlene said...

If you have indoor cats then you have a litterbox, which means you can have your cats mark without exposing them to the outside. A wee bit of soiled litter sprinkled about might deter the chipmonks...

Or a harness on a cat makes for amusing stories, and once outside the cat often forgets his humiliation and focuses on eating grass and potential prey. A long light lead attached and you can have something to watch while getting pissed :)

Stacy S. said...

In a blender:

2 eggs
hot pepper
minced garlic

Mix it up and put in spray bottle and spray plants. Won't last through a rain though.

Good luck!

Cuttlefish said...

Stacy--If it doesn't work, I can probably use any leftovers to marinate them!

paul said...

I block their holes with rocks, shoot them with a squirt gun to chase them off if I see them, and refuse to shoo the neighbors' cat out of the yard when it shows up.

nerowolfgal said...

I feel your pain. I liked chipmunks a lot, thought they were cute, until they moved into my vegtable garden.

From "Louisana Cookery" published 1954


A pity to eat this little bit of forest life, but such is done--and often!

Dress the animal and remove kernels. Sprinkle with orange juice and rub with butter. Parboil ten minutes. Braise in hot grease, add hot orange juice and minced raw ham. sSimmer for twenty minutes. Add a little orange wine and let steep.

Serve two per person

Cuttlefish said...

Wow--that really sounds delicious! I may have fewer regrets about killing the little buggers than I had anticipated!

Anonymous said...

Cuttlefish,first of all I really like your poetry,it's wonderful.Now on the subject of chipmunks,I too have a problem with them, or I should say had a problem.One of our cats is a rodent killing machine, I mean he hates them with a passion and kills them with a cold efficiency.Every couple of days I"ll find their little carcasses on our back porch. I've never seen him kill anything else though, just rats,mice and chipmunks.But hey that is his job.