Monday, March 02, 2009

To The Senator's Health!

PZ reports that Senator Tom Harkin regrets that his National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has done what I, for one, would have bet against: it has disproven "too many" alternative therapies.

I wonder if we can get something to make the Senator feel better...

The Senator is needing
A colonic or a bleeding
Or perhaps a dose of radium to give a healthy glow.
My alt-med guru teaches
That the use of sterile leeches
Would give balance to his humours, and would help his chi to grow.
Hydrotherapy and spinning
Would be only the beginning;
An emetic or a purgative would do his body good
Ground-up rhino horn or penis
And a sacrifice to Venus
Will do more to swell his thinking than viagra ever could!
A double dose of calomel
Would do his tired body well
Or drink colloidal silver till his skin is vivid blue
Elective psychosurgery,
As anyone can plainly see,
Is something that could keep his thinking on the straight and true
We can mix some herbs and spices
Bought at legislators' prices
With the urine of donkey, for the Senator to drink--
But despite our urgent praying
We recall the ancient saying:
You can vote a man to Senate, but you cannot make him think.

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mandydax said...

On behalf of Iowa, I apologize. :(

sextile said...

To Lindsay,With His Particular

He might claim her intestine
Is merely the best in
The state,tho he hasn't yet seen it.
She may claim my physique
Is of beauty unique
In a tone that suggests she can't mean it.
They don't test your IQ
But inform you that you
Are a ways beyond Einstein and Edison?
Then we might want to flee
To another MD
Who eschews Complimentary Medicine.

If I'm scratching my eye
And complain of a stye
She just notes that it's pretty in pink.
Or they ask for a sample
And I give one that's ample
And they just report it doesn't stink,
When I'm way overweight
They aver I look great
So they may be some docs I should jettison,
As I'm in no condition
To employ a physician
Who employs Complimentary Medicine.

If they say it means "free"
I'd ask "How can that be?
Do you just diagnose on a hunch?"
They of course shouldn't bill us
For a course that could kill us
But I think we'll find there's no free lunch
When they can't say enough
For "alternative" stuff
And enthuse on the straits that they get us in.
Whether wielding a hypo
A mistake or a typo
Let's avoid "Complimentary" Medicine!

Podblack said...

Ah, I spy a 7th. What led you here, oh formerforum poet?