Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Eulogy for Gary Aldridge

Posted on Pharyngula, 10/10/2007

We gather here to eulogize
The Pastor and the Man
Old Gary Aldridge, often wise,
Though not his latest plan.

A member of the Christian nation,
Friend of Jerry Falwell,
His last attempt at masturbation
Didn't go at all well.

For fifteen years, he'd preached the word
A Southern Baptist minister
His death--now, is it just absurd
Or something rather sinister?

How does a person come to wear
Not one wetsuit, but two?
(Although, I know, I should not care
I'm curious--aren't you?)

I tend to think that, years ago,
He spied a rubber glove,
And wondered "Should I--well, you know--
When God and I make love?"

He tried it on, and found a tube,
Half hidden on his shelf,
Of KY--smiled, and murmered "Lube
Thy neighbor as thy self."

And minutes later, hard at work,
He felt a little odd
Was this a sin, or just a quirk?
He talked it out with God.

"Is what I'm doing here a sin?
Or is my pleasure Thine?
Is this as bad as skin on skin?
Lord, please, give me a sign!"

So God produced a pamphlet: "Your
Vacation in Aruba!"
And pointed out--right there, page four--
The wetsuits used for SCUBA

See, God's not really how you think
A deity might be
He's got a wicked bondage kink
(Just ask His son, J. C.)

So Gary died, not steeped in sin
But following God's plan;
So straight to Heaven--come on in!
And bring the wetsuits, man!

A story, sure, but it may yet
Explain what happened then.
The moral is, please don't forget:
Your safeword is "Amen".

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How the hell did you not get any comments for this one?

I only just found it, which is why it's taken me until now.

This incident reminds me of a few lines from the radio comedy "Old Harry's Game" written by and starring the brilliant Andy Hamilton. These lines come from the "Chuckles" episode from series 2:

Satan: Anyway, it's not the concept of Hell that's the problem, it's you lot. You're too prolific; you're breeding faster, you're sinning faster, you're even dying faster. And you're forever inventing more and more ingenuous ways of dying, I mean, first it was dynamite, then cigarettes, then it was feeding diseased sheep to cows, then flying with Aeroflot...
Professor: Well, we...
Satan: And have you heard the latest one? Get a load of this, right? In order to achieve the ultimate sexual experience, people have started strangling themselves. Just to try and make the earth move. And it does, usually, it gets shovelled on top of their coffin. All for one more orgasm.
Professor: Well, I think that's rather sad.
Satan: Sad? It's hilarious! Where's your sense of humour? I mean there is every possibility that mankind will be the first species to masturbate itself into extinction. Now, you're not going to tell me that isn't funny!
Professor: Oh, but the poor people who do that sort of thing...
Satan: They're not poor people who do that sort of thing, they're rich bored people.
Professor: Well they're disturbed, presumably.
Satan: Well a few of them are disturbed...the rest of them are just found in the morning.