The Digital Cuttlefish

Testing something.

2011-10-24T12:04:00.001-04:00

Nothing to see here, really.

The Official Announcement

2011-08-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

Hey, it's past midnight here. Time for a press release.

Please, if you are a member of a forum, or own a major newspaper or television network, feel free to post the following:

Freethought Blogs debuts Aug. 1

A new blog network is hitting the web on August 1. Led by two of the most prominent and widely read secular-minded blogs in the country – PZ Myers’ Pharyngula and Ed Brayton’s Dispatches from the Culture Wars – Freethoughtblogs.com <http://freethoughtblogs.com/> will, we hope, quickly become and important gathering place for atheists, humanists, skeptics and freethinkers in the blogosphere.

Freethoughtblogs will be more than just a place for people to read the opinions of their favorite bloggers. It will be a community of like-minded people exchanging ideas and joining forces to advocate for a more secular and rational world.

The network will launch Aug. 1 with a handful of blogs with many more to be added after the first three months of operation. Here are the five blogs that will lead the way:

Pharyngula <http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/> . PZ Myers has built one of the most popular atheist blogs in the world. Never one to shy away from controversy, Myers has built an astonishing following over the last few years and has traveled around the world speaking to skeptical audiences. As a PhD biologist he is the scourge of creationists everywhere but he takes on a wide range of subjects in his blogging, including religious criticism, women’s rights and progressive politics.

Dispatches from the Culture Wars <http://freethoughtblogs.com/dispatches/> . Ed Brayton was raised by a Pentecostal and an atheist, sealing his fate forever as someone who is endlessly fascinated by how religion intersects with other subject, particularly science, law, history and politics. He is a popular speaker for secular organizations around the country, has appeared on the Rachel Maddow show and is pretty certain he’s the only person who has ever made fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

The Digital Cuttlefish <http://freethoughtblogs.com/cuttlefish/> : Cuttlefish are shy and elusive creatures; when necessary, they hide in their own ink. This particular cuttlefish has chosen as its habitat the comment threads of science, religion, and news sites, where it feeds on the opinions of those who are emboldened by the cloak of internet anonymity. Cuttlefish is an atheist, a skeptic, and is madly, passionately in love with science. The Digital Cuttlefish has, since October of 2007, been a repository of commentary and satire, usually (but not exclusively) in verse and now moves to Freethoughtblogs.

This Week in Christian Nationalism <http://freethoughtblogs.com/rodda/> . Chris Rodda is the author of "Liars For Jesus: The Religious Right's Alternate Version of American History." Since the release of her book in 2006, Chris has been blogging at Talk2Action.org and Huffington Post about the use of historical revisionism in everything from education to legislation. Chris is now launching her own blog on Freethoughtblogs.com that will accompany her weekly podcast, This Week in Christian Nationalism.

Zingularity <http://freethoughtblogs.com/zingularity/> . Steven "DarkSyde" Andrew is a 40 something former stock and bond trader and one time moderate conservative. He grew up in the Southwest and has long been fascinated by science, particularly evolutionary biology, physics, and astronomy. He is a frequest contributor to the popular progressive website Daily Kos and now blogs at Zingularity, where legit science disappears forever down an event horizon of petty snark and cynicism.

Comradde PhysioProffe <http://freethoughtblogs.com/physioprof/> . The pseudonymous PhysioProffe is, as the name suggests, a physiology professor at a private medical school who blogs about politics, academia, food, booze and sports. Not necessarily in that order.
This is only the beginning. Over the next few months we will add many more blogs to the network, including Greta Christina’s brilliant blog, a new companion to the award winning Reasonable Doubts podcast and many others.

Headline Muse, 7/31

2011-07-31T11:11:00.000-04:00

The verdict was certainly binding
But the pathways to justice are winding
Though “an eye for an eye”
Was the law to apply
Now the victim has pardoned a blinding

Headline: Iranian sentenced to blinding for acid attack pardoned

Ameneh Bahrami, after years of fighting for "justice" (read: for her attacker to be blinded with acid, as he had done to her), has pardoned Majd Movahedi, her attacker, at the last minute. She is still, quite understandably, seeking compensation for medical fees.

The state television website reported: "With the request of Ameneh Bahrami, the acid attack victim, Majid (Movahedi) who was sentenced for 'qisas' was pardoned at the last minute."

The Isna news agency quoted Tehran prosecutor Abbas Jafari Dolatabadi as saying: "Today in hospital the blinding of Majid Movahedi was to have been carried out in the presence of an eye specialist and judiciary representative, when Ameneh pardoned him."

Isna quoted Ms Bahrami as saying: "I struggled for seven years with this verdict to prove to people that the person who hurls acid should be punished through 'qisas', but today I pardoned him because it was my right.

Rumor Has It

2011-07-31T09:21:00.000-04:00

So, I’ve been hearing rumors. Rumor has it The Digital Cuttlefish will be part of a new blog network, freethoughtblogs, as of tomorrow. Actually, most of the rumors talk about the new network, but somehow leave my name out of it. For some reason, the rumors focus on Ed Brayton and P. Z. Myers.

But the rumors are true. Same Cuttlefish, different address. I am a very little cuttlefish in a big pond already, and this gives me the opportunity to be an even smaller fish in an even bigger ocean. I suspect that I am the smallest name among the new collective.

So, if all goes well, I soon will have successfully lured them all into a false sense of security, at which time I will spring my trap.

Or not.

Either way, I will be sinking or swimming (as a cuttlefish, it’s all the same to me) at a new address as of tomorrow.

And, once more as so many times in the past… I need your help. There will be (with a bit of luck) more eyes on my site than ever before, and I’ll need to introduce myself. You, my regular readers, are already the sort of people who read comments and follow links, or you wouldn’t have found me. But there are a great many people who have no idea what I do.

So I plan to post some of my old stuff over the next couple of weeks or so, to introduce myself to these new people.

My question is… which ones? Which of my oldies should I dredge up? I have my own favorites, which I know I will post, but what are yours?

This blog (the one you are reading right now) will not disappear. This one is home, for me. I love my readers, and owe them too much to raze the old joint. I hope to see you all at the new digs, though, as my honored guests. No… as my family.

Headline Muse, 7/30

2011-07-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

Seems the picture that’s drawn is too hazy
Or my brain has gone summertime lazy
We could blame his religion
Which tweaks things a smidgeon
But, really: just “partially crazy”?

Headline: Ex-FLDS member: Warren Jeffs "partially crazy"

In an "objection" lasting nearly an hour, Warren Jeffs, polygamist and alleged child molester, threatened his prosecutors with "sickness and death". He wasn't making a threat; he was simply delivering a message he got from God.

God Is Love, Right?

2011-07-30T07:50:00.000-04:00

The Old Testament god of the bible was liable
To torture and kill you, as if at His whim;
His ardent believers were therefore a scare for
The heathens who dared have doubts about Him

The New Testament hoped to appease us with Jesus
Whose death on the cross was the end to our fear;
Now Christians are always, while living, forgiving…
Unless we say something they don’t want to hear

Yesterday's "Headline Muse" referred to the American Atheists' WTC cross case. It's a story worth keeping an eye on, for those of us who love reading commentary. As is often the case, the worst of the comments are censored before we can read them... but this time, some have been archived, and serve as testimony to Christian Love. (The ones that remain range from supportive to vile, but fall short of death threats.)

Now, I've received death threats--against me, and against my family. But these have been from a solitary, troubled individual. He needs psychiatric help, and he knows it; the more he threatens, the more obvious his illness is. These WTC threats appear to be quite different. These are normal people*, perhaps buoyed by internet anonymity, perhaps assuming they are in the company of like-minded individuals. This is far more frightening than a pitiable, pathetic spammer.

Oh, but clearly this is an extreme minority position; the vast majority of Christians would be horrified by such comments. If you find some examples of religious leaders decrying these comments, be sure to let me know.

* as an aside, I wonder whether the names attached to the comments are their real names. Google+ appears to be on a bit of a crusade against pseudonyms--if these are real names, then certainly horrible language does not depend on anonymity; on the other hand, if these are not real names, then the crime of pseudonymous writers is simply that they chose a name that wasn't normal enough for Google.

Cuttlefish's Garden

2011-07-29T15:44:00.000-04:00

I'd like to see
Ten types of bee
In the Cuttlefish's garden in the sun
See what I've found
Buzzing around
In the Cuttlefish's garden in the sun
...

Ok, enough of that. So, these are onion flowers. Each is about the size of a grapefruit (like grapefruit, some are larger and some are smaller) and made up of about a gazillion separate florets (very unlike a grapefruit). I spent some time, the past couple of days, just watching them. The amount of traffic these flowers get is remarkable; I counted at least 8 different species of bee or wasp, two species of butterfly, and some really fast things I could not identify, just on these onion flowers alone. I have a really bad shot of 5 species on the flower at one time, but most are blurred with motion or focal plane.

So I thought I'd test my readers' insect identification skills--just hymenoptera today. I know some of the answers, but certainly not all! For now, the flower is your guide to insect size; if you need numbers or any other information I can give, just ask.

D (left) and E (right)

I, on Cilantro flowers

J, on Oregano flowers

Headline Muse, 7/29

2011-07-29T09:25:00.000-04:00

At the site of a horrible loss,
The Memorial now holds a cross?
The community center
Was told “do not enter”—
Guess we know which religion is boss.

Four individuals, represented by American Atheists, are suing to either remove the Ground Zero Cross from the 9/11 memorial, or to force inclusion of non-Christian (including atheist) memorials of equal stature. As always, the fun reading is not in the article itself, but in the comments. I used to be astonished, now I am simply aware, that people have hugely varying ideas of what atheism is. And of what the First Amendment means. And, while it was important that a Muslim community center should not be built on 9/11 sacred ground because it would be special treatment for one religion, it is crucial (get it?) that the WTC cross remains, because it gave so many Christians comfort.

I am told that, as an atheist, my taking offense at the WTC cross shows that a) I am actually a believer, b) I am illogical, because I shouldn't care, since I don't believe, c) I am unamerican, since majority rules here, d) not really an atheist but an anti-theist, e) remarkably thin-skinned, f) pushing my beliefs onto other people (this last, without a trace of irony). In truth, I don't find crosses offensive; if I did, I'd have a rough go of it, since they are all around us.

I don't find this particular cross offensive, and think an argument can easily be made for its inclusion in the memorial--it is, after all, a huge part of the history of the aftermath of 9/11. The thing is, context matters. If this cross were, say, part of an exhibit demonstrating that religious extremism may have dire consequences, including 9/11 type events, it would be quite appropriate... but I suspect that many Christians would balk at equating their religion with [their perception of] Islam. If the WTC cross is venerated as a religious symbol, though, it is only proper (and constitutional) to demand equal treatment for other affected groups.

The 9/11 attacks were not an attack on Christianity. They were an attack on America, and were politically as well as religiously motivated. American Atheists is not going to make a lot of friends with this move (judging from the comment threads), but they are in the right. Context is everything; the cross can stay (and American Atheists agrees), if it is not exhibited in such a manner as to elevate one belief system over others.

But hey, this is Headline Muse--your comments don't have to be about this story, if you have your own headline limerick!

Headline Muse

2011-07-28T20:34:00.000-04:00

The requirements just get insaner,
Like a good triple twisting half-gainer
If you do a good dive,
You will surely survive—
If you don’t, then you’re “pulling a Boehner”.

(I'm trying out--subject to my time and other people's idiocy--a new occasional feature, kinda like Ed Brayton's "dumbass quote" and "badass quote" of the day. You are encouraged to add your own limericks in the comments. The rules are--look at the headlines of whatever news source you like, and write a limerick inspired by same. If your headline is local, small-town news, you might want to include a link, too.)

One Last Dance

2011-07-28T12:05:00.000-04:00

When Johnny was little, he played with his friends
As the summertime slowly would pass
They’d swim in the rivers; they’d hide in the woods
And they’d frolic and dance in the grass, oh
They’d frolic and dance in the grass

But friendship is fickle in kids of this age
So he had the occasional fight
And names would be called, and fists would be thrown,
In a world that was pure black-and-white;
Johnny was smaller than some of the boys
And the target, sometimes, of abuse
He sometimes fought back, but too quickly he learned
That his struggles were never of use

When Johnny was little, he’d played with his friends
As the summertime slowly would pass
They’d swim in the rivers; they’d hide in the woods
And they’d frolic and dance in the grass, oh
They’d frolic and dance in the grass

Johnny was lonely, and Johnny was scared;
He knew he would never be cool
He knew all the names of the popular boys
Cos they’d all kicked his ass after school
They called him a faggot; they called him a queer
And nobody cared if it’s true
Cos the summers are long and the summers are hot
And the bad boys need something to do

When Johnny was little, he’d played with his friends
As the summertime slowly would pass
They’d swim in the rivers; they’d hide in the woods
And they’d frolic and dance in the grass, oh
They’d frolic and dance in the grass

Johnny told teachers, and parents and more
That the bullies were out of control
But the teachers were fond of the popular boys
So they told him they’d pray for his soul
He heard what they said, and he heard what they didn’t,
And knew they were not on his side
He wondered if, really, they worried at all,
And would they be sad if he died?

When Johnny was little, he’d played with his friends
As the summertime slowly would pass
They’d swim in the rivers; they’d hide in the woods
And they’d frolic and dance in the grass, oh
They’d frolic and dance in the grass

Johnny was tired of running and hiding
And wanted his troubles to end
Johnny might never have done what he did
If he only had talked with a friend
Instead, though, he talked with the school’s Parents’ League
(There were lies that they had to dispel)
They wanted the children to all know the truth—
That Johnny was going to Hell

They said he was sinful; they said he was wrong
They told him the things he must learn
They told him that God sends all sinners to Hell
They told him that that’s where he’d burn
When Johnny heard the things they said
He knew he had no chance
So Johnny got a length of rope
For one last, special dance

They told him they’d pray for the sake of his soul
They told him that, always, there’s hope;
But never again will he dance in the grass
Since he danced at the end of a rope, oh
Since he danced at the end of a rope.

Via PZ and others, a terribly sad story of Christian compassion, of anti-gay bullying, and the "Day of Truth" (at that link, you can see evolution at work--click on "dayoftruth.org", and you will be brought to the "day of dialogue" website). The "Parents Action League" (weren't they in The Incredibles?) had worked with local churches to provide t-shirts for the day.

~~Because of~~ Despite the League's work, ~~because of~~ despite warning gays that they were bound for hell for their sinful lifestyle, it seems there has been an epidemic of teen suicide. Nine kids in two years, at present.

Oh, yes. This is in Michele Bachmann's district. You remember her--her husband lies about doing ex-gay therapy. Cos it's better to make people think they are ill, broken, or sinful, than to have them love the wrong person.

Oh--this poem is not about any one kid in particular. There were names that could easily have fit, but no way in hell am I going to do that to parents, siblings, friends, etc.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

2011-07-27T12:36:00.000-04:00

One year ago today my brother died.

At his hospital bedside, I sang to him--music, I thought, affects so much of the brain, perhaps this will get through. A familiar song, a catchy song, one he had sung so many times. Maybe he'll open his eyes and join in on the chorus.

He did not.

If we live on only in the memories and actions of others, he's doing better than most.

Should I Be Cross?

2011-07-26T09:11:00.000-04:00

I can’t really blame you; the pain is yet growing,
With so many horrible losses
But somehow it seems that your privilege is showing—
You seem to have mis-placed your crosses.

One of the reasonably local papers around Cuttletown had a political cartoon today that irked me a bit. Here's a link--I won't show it here because, well, I'm cheap. Basically, the cartoon morphs the cross from the flag of Norway into the crosses at the graves of the victims.

It's a clever concept, but it reinforces the position of privilege held by Christians (despite claims of persecution) in the US. The crosses represent the victims (reminiscent of Justice Scalia's view that crosses are "the most common symbol of the resting place of the dead"), which is all well and good, except that

According to Inglehart et al. (2004), 31 percent of Norwegians do not believe in God. According to Bondeson (2003), 54 percent of Norwegians said that they did not believe in a "personal God." According to Greeley (2003), 41 percent of Norwegians do not believe in God, although only 10 percent self-identify as "atheist." According to Gustafsson and Pettersson (2000), 72 percent of Norwegians do not believe in a "personal God." According to Froese (2001), 45 percent of Norwegians are either atheist or agnostic.

(source: Phil Zuckerman's chapter, "Atheism: Contemporary Numbers and Patterns", in The Cambridge Companion to Atheism.)

Ah, but we do know with certainty that there was at least one Christian involved. The shooter. Yes, it appears his extremist political views, not his religion, was his motivation. I'm sure American cartoonists would make the same distinction for Muslim terrorists as well.

My Marriage Is Gay Today

2011-07-24T10:12:00.000-04:00

Half a lifetime ago
As chronologies go
I was married, in upstate New York
There were family, friends,
And some strange odds and ends
When we, husband and wife, popped the cork

But today it feels strange
As if something has changed
Though our vows are the same, to the letter
Because, as of today,
Why, “marriage is gay”
And equality’s oh so much better

When marriage was straight
And the church barred the gate
And kept part of humanity out
They tried to define
In society’s mind
What a marriage was wholly about

Though they struggled with words
Their whole view was absurd
And historically, simply untrue—
And sanctified bigots
Just opened their spigots
Letting sewage and prejudice spew

They poured this pollution
Into my institution;
My marriage was tarred by their brush
But—long story short—
I am glad to report
They are getting their long-deserved flush.

With this change in the laws
I feel better, because
I’m not part of a bigoted order
So today, let’s have fun
But there’s work to be done
Cos equality stops at the border.

Bless This Mess

2011-07-23T17:22:00.000-04:00

Higgledy-Pigglety
Rochester's Officers
Got themselves blessed
For enforcing the laws;

Didn't much care that it's
Unconstitutional--
Nobody likes the
Establishment clause.

The other day, PZ ran a photo of a Sheriff's vehicle with a "one nation under god" bumper sticker. I suppose the silver lining is, it was probably a decision made by an individual--the Sheriff or another--and not an official position.

In the Live Free or Die state, where they take constitutional protection of liberties seriously, it's a different story. The second annual blessing of the police force and its fleet, specifically.

Chaplain Ron Lachapelle carried out the service, in which he emphasized the importance of the department's ability to work as a team for the betterment of the community.

Lachapelle, it seems, was previously a police commissioner, a 30-year veteran. I would imagine that members of the force couldn't possible have felt pressure to go along with the magic spell-chanting. After all, they're probably all good christian boys, wouldn't you think?

Mc-Write?

2011-07-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

When Jen "BlagHag" McReight wrote, asking if I'd help spread the word about her annual blogathon, I only had one question:

"Does McCreight rhyme with “right” or “wait”... Or something else?"

This Saturday, I think it might
Be quite a slog for Jen McReight
Throughout the day, throughout the night
She’ll write, write, write, through dark and light

What will she write? I cannot say;
You’ll have to wait and see that day
She’s doing good—this is her way—
And you can help, so go and pay!

So grab your wallet, or your purse
And find some funds to thus disburse
Remembering, it could be worse—
At least she doesn’t write in verse!

So, yeah, go help her smash her previous record!

Dog Almighty

2011-07-22T07:46:00.002-04:00

The biggest Dog had always been
The biggest Dog He’d known
He always barked the loudest
And He gnawed the biggest bone
He’d been the highest jumper, too;
He’d been the deepest digger.
He’d always been the biggest Dog…
And then He met one bigger.

A Brief History Of Religion

2011-07-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

The gods have taken many guises;
Fathers, mothers, monsters, friends,
Tricksters bent on their surprises
Schemers bent on selfish ends
That’s how we’ve known ‘em.

We’ve done our best to try to please ,
To understand as best we could;
For eons we had bent our knees;
Then questioned gods, then boldly stood,
And now, outgrown ‘em.

Words, Words, Words

2011-07-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

Each step we take; each word we speak;
Each course we chart; each trail we tread
Each tender phrase or sad refrain,
And each unspoken

Each path we take; each love we seek;
Each faulty start; each sunset sped;
Each wide-eyed gaze or cry of pain
And each heart broken

We cannot take a backward step
We cannot choose to not have seen
We cannot wish another chance
We cannot sigh what might have been

Another step might be more sure
Another word might hold more sway
Another end, this choice might bring,
And I might miss one.

A different word might sound more pure
A different step, a different way
A million ways to say one thing
And I chose this one.

Over at NPR, http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2011/07/19/138473791/words-hurt-the-world-poet-says, an interesting bit on an argument at a poetry conference (I doubt I'll ever be invited to a poetry contest; they look down on those of us who rhyme), which Robert Krulwich introduces with a lovely bit of video. The topic under discussion is whether using words helps our planet or hurts.

One view (held by Yusef Komunyakaa) was that language distances us from experience; it names things as not-us, and allows--perhaps forces--us to separate ourselves from a world we would otherwise be imbedded in. We may harm the earth, then, without harming ourselves.

Another view (Mark Doty's) is that "the more we can name what we're seeing, the more language we have for it, the less likely we are to destroy it." Naming each plant in a meadow, each star in the sky, each organism in an ecosystem, makes it more known to us, and more missed if it is gone.

Krulwich states that "obviously both sides are right", but ultimately comes down in favor of words. I don't think it is so obvious. I think Komunyakaa's assumption is faulty; I think if we remove the words, we do not remove the distance, but rather remove the thought.

It is true that choosing one word over another will bend the ideas of the reader or listener; politics gives us "spin", psychology gives us "framing", and used car salesweasels give us "certified pre-owned vehicles". It is as if there is a huge possible landscape, and these word-smiths are trying to show us one small corner of it, by focusing their flashlight beam very closely. The rest of the world is black.

Komunyakaa's view, if I have it, is similar to that of the night hiker. A flashlight, for such an explorer, is a limiting tool. The world closes around you, and ends where the beam of light ends. Turn off the light, and in a few minutes the world is vast again, and if the stars are out then you can see much farther than you could possibly see by day.

But that's the wrong metaphor. I was once in Mammoth Cave when the guide turned off the lights. I could have stayed there for hours, but would never have been able to see my hand in front of my face. Words are the light we see by; without them, we don't get the night-time sky, we get the utter blindness of the cave.

Yes, each word may act as a focused beam. Fortunately, we have more than one word. In science (which, really, is where the debate about "helps our planet or hurts" can actually be answered, and not merely argued), we may have different schools of thought which use different operational definitions and different measurements for very similar concepts (I would say "the same concept", but either choice leads you on a particular path; now, of course, you have two views). A scientific community does not (especially at first) need to agree on one definition, but may explore several before finding one or more to be more useful. A verbal community, likewise, will toy around with words--many shades of meaning for one word, or a spectrum of words for one concept.

This is why I think everyone should write poetry. (Except for me; I should write verse.) Being forced, on a regular basis, to spend time searching for just the right word, rather than using the first one that comes to mind, has got to be good exercise for the brain. If we want to see the whole world (and more), we have to be willing to try different lights and different lenses, and not just search where it is easy, where somebody else already shines a light and says it is trustworthy, or has low mileage, or is fair and balanced.

Words can separate us from our world, but the remedy is more words, not fewer. And certainly not none.

Parthenogenesis

2011-07-19T09:17:00.000-04:00

"Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire"
(attributed to Robert Frost, George Bernard Shaw, and others)

Birds do it; Bees do it
Nematodes and water fleas do it

But if it’s all the same
I think it’s quite a shame
Cos dancing is more fun with two

Komodo chicks, without dicks, do it
Now we find Timema Sticks do it

But what a menace is
Parthenogenesis
Cos dancing is more fun with two

To hold you close is such a treat
And when we let our gametes meet
That’s when I know you make my world complete
And life is sweet… life is sweet.

But if you find you have no need
You’re fine without a single seed
You’ve found a different way that you can breed
I must concede… indeed.

It’s been observed, boa snakes do it
Electric ants, for goodness sakes, do it

But if it’s all the same
I think it’s quite a shame
Cos dancing is more fun with two

Via the Beeb, a story of Timema stick insects and genetic research, a confirmation of perhaps a million years of asexual reproduction in this ancient species. This confirms that asexual reproduction is not just an emergency strategy, an artificially induced anomaly, or confined to social insects. Now comes the fun part; looking to see how this strategy has succeeded, while other species (including closely related stick insects) have found success in sexual reproduction. As the BBC story puts it,

The discovery could help researchers understand how life without sex is possible.

A line which I am so not going to touch.

Lizard!

2011-07-18T17:33:00.000-04:00

A gecko walks up panes of glass
And even on the ceiling
But eating powdered gecko’s ass
I would not find appealing.

The ancient healers’ art, alas,
Needs gecko parts for healing
Among the superstitious class
With whom these folks are dealing.

Although I hear my views are crass,
I get a funny feeling
That watching where the dollars pass
Would likely be revealing.

And seeing how the funds amass…
It’s little more than stealing.

Ok, actually, it's quite a bit more than stealing. Stealing would be taking people's money for nothing. This is also lying, and killing lizards for no good reason.

NPR reports on a brisk, though illegal, trade in traditional gecko-based cures--significant enough that health officials in the Phillipines are actually issuing warnings. People are being told that gecko remedies can relieve asthma, or even AIDS.

I like geckos. Mind you, I would throw geckos under the bus if they actually did cure AIDS, for such time as it would take to identify the active compounds... but. There is no evidence that it does.

If any of my readers A)can read Chinese (Mandarin, I am assuming), and B) have PubMed access, please take a look at the NPR article--they link to a journal article that I would love to be able to read, but I am (alas!) American, and thus speak barely one language.

Oh, and I was going to post the picture of the gecko from the article, except that it is dead, dried, and mounted on heavy-duty paper clips. I prefer my geckos alive and eating bugs.

If traditional healers are to be respected, we must assume they are motivated by a desire to heal (thus the title), and not to profit without healing (they can profit while healing, of course). Healers who prefer getting paid to healing are known by other terms. If geckos can cure X, then let it be shown in trials, so that we can synthesize X as quickly as possible. If not, then dammit, true healers would look elsewhere. Those who foist ~~snake~~ gecko oil on their trusting patients are no healers. They are charlatans, and worse. They do not deserve respect.

The Bornean Rainbow

2011-07-14T10:08:00.000-04:00

Why are there so many
Species endangered?
For decades, they haven’t been spied
Some may be hanging on
But others departed
Despite how the scientists tried

So we’d been told
And we mostly believed it
Hoping we’re wrong, but we’ll see
And sometimes it happens
And everyone’s happy—
The Bornean Rainbow and me

Who said amphibians
Could go into hiding
And why should we go and look?
Someone in Borneo
Had someone believe them
And somehow that’s all that it took

It’s so amazing—successful toad-gazing
Without knowing what we might see
But sometimes it happens
And everyone’s happy—
The Bornean Rainbow and me

All of us wishing it well
To lose it again would be tragic

Had it been half-extinct?
Because of our choices?
I think it’s more than a shame
Is this the warning-bell
We finally notice?
Or will we point fingers and blame?

I’ve watched it too many times to be hopeful—
The odds are, we never will see…
But sometimes it happens
And everyone’s happy—
The Bornean Rainbow and me

Via MSNBC's Cosmic Log, we hear that an endangered toad, not seen since 1924, has been rediscovered--and photographed for the first time! Check out the photos at the link; this is one beautiful toad, the Bornean Rainbow Toad (aka the Sambas Stream Toad), the second of the "top ten most wanted" missing toad species.

(oh, yeah, for those of you who are still wondering, the verse is a parody of Kermit The Frog's "Rainbow Connection")

R.I.P. Methuselah The Galapagos Tortoise

2011-07-12T21:10:00.001-04:00

One person’s report is
“Galapagos tortoise
Is truly a creature of God”
It’s made, or created
By God, armor-plated,
With shell-shapes distinct, which was odd

Why God’s work might vary
Made ministers wary—
Perfection is what was expected!
But with close observation
Of type and location,
Particular trends were detected

The shells of some creatures
Have saddle-back features
Where cactus to forage grow taller
Where food’s near the ground
Different features are found
Like a domed shell that’s quite a bit smaller

What these features disclosed
Is what Darwin proposed—
That selection means shell shapes evolved!
Though a biblical search
Left the church in a lurch
Thanks to Darwin, the mystery’s solved!

A sad report, on a few levels; NPR's "The Two-Way" blog reports that a 130-year old tortoise, a favorite at a South Dakota zoo, has died. Even for tortoises, this critter was old; grandparents showed it to their grandchildren, and told them of seeing it themselves at that age (Methuselah the tortoise was a respectable 73 when he arrived at the zoo).

But that's not really why I'm writing. I'm writing because the very first comment at the NPR blog closes with "They are awesome creatures. A great God created them." Which, frankly, is amusing given the tortoise's role in providing Darwin with the evidence of evolution. Fifteen different subspecies of tortoise, each on a different island--my, what a capricious god must have created them! Oh, wait--the tortoises have saddle-shaped shells where the food grows higher, and round shells where it grows lower; perhaps characteristics vary, and those that offer an advantage are selected for by the environment!

So, NPR commenter, you get an irony award. Not redeemable for cash, but you may wear it proudly.

Is There "Ex-Liar" Therapy?

2011-07-12T10:31:00.001-04:00

To heal yourself from being gay
The clinic’s here—so call today
We’ll blame your mom, and pray and pray;
It’s therapy, the Bachmann way.

Of course, when asked, we’ll just deny
We care if folks are gay or bi;
There is one simple reason why:
A Bachmann cannot help but lie.

So it turns out that Marcus Bachmann's clinic does, after all, practice "ex-gay" therapy, which is far more religious than psychological. The full story is here at Truth Wins Out; a brief synopsis can be read here at Dispatches.

Hey, You! Hang Up The Car Keys!

2011-07-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

It’s six in the morning, the start of your day,
But you’re all out of coffee, and just want a cup
It’s a ten-minute walk to the nearest café—
Oh, quit fucking whining, and just suck it up

You’ve got errands to run; you’ve got places to go
We’ve heard the excuses; we’ve heard all the talk
The store isn’t far—just a mile or so
So hang up the car keys and just fucking walk!

You’ve got classes this morning—that’s two towns away
The drive is annoying; the parking’s a fuss
The answer is simple, I really must say:
Leave the car in the driveway and take the damn bus!

You’ll be taking the car, and you always complain
The buses aren’t perfectly synched to your classes
Now cars will be backed up for miles, on Main,
So your peers can collectively sit on your asses

It’s not like I’m asking you too fucking much,
Like to live in a house that’s as dark as a tomb
Making way around furniture purely by touch—
Just turn off the light when you leave the damn room

There are so many things you could do, but you don’t,
That could cut your expenses, conserve you some power
They’re easy to think of, so how come you won’t?
Do you shut off your brain in your long fucking shower?

This isn’t too much to be asked, for fuck’s sake;
There are hundreds, or thousands, of things we can do
If you can’t look around and see changes to make
Then the world’s got a problem, and the problem is you.

Sharon, at Casaubon's Book, might just as well have waved a red flag at a bull, or red meat in front of a hungry dog. Fortunately, she already did it the hard way, with the repeated final rhyme, so I could just write this one.

Atheist For A Month

2011-07-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

It’s good, sometimes, to see the world
Through someone else’s eyes;
To take another’s point of view
And try it on for size.

“Be Muslim for a month,” perhaps,
Be Sufi, or be Sikh;
Try walking in their footsteps—
You could start for just a week.

You could try to be a Muslim
Or a Christian, or a Jew
But I’d like to see more people
Trying atheism, too.

Just try it for a month, or two,
Or maybe for a year—
Pretend there’s no use praying
Cos there’s no one there to hear

Pretend there is no god above
To save us from ourselves
Pretend there are no holy books—
Just leave them on the shelves

Pretend there is no heaven
And pretend there is no Hell;
Pretend we only get one life,
And try to live it well

And maybe, if you try it out,
You’ll like the you you find
Not member of a single tribe
But all of humankind

And maybe if enough of us
Can wear each other’s skins
We’ll understand our differences...
And everybody wins.

Via the Beeb (same link as above), an interesting piece on walking a mile (well, a month) in someone else's shoes. In this case, it's a bit like church camp, except that it is in Turkey, and the church is a mosque, and participants basically live life as temporary Muslims.

Given the ignorance about other faiths, and the animosity toward Muslims in particular, I think the "Muslim for a month" idea has some serious potential for good. Yes, it could be a worthless exercise, but it can't possibly be as futile as simply praying for peace.

Of course, after the 2006 University of Minnesota study, I personally think we could use this concept on a group that is distrusted even more than Muslims. Atheists are distrusted; atheists are misunderstood; atheists are demonized.

But it would be so easy to try to be an atheist for a month. You wouldn't even have to leave home. Wouldn't need to fly to Turkey, or to Israel, or Rome, or anywhere. I think (if memory serves) that Julia Sweeney's atheism began this way--just as a brief experiment, that proved successful.

It's actually easier than not being an atheist. No rituals, no hymns, no call-and-response, no nothing. Well, you do have to do one thing. You do have to think.

For yourself.

Pluralistic Ignorance

2011-07-01T10:17:00.000-04:00

When the whole debate began, it
Was one people, on one planet,
Looking up into the night-time at the stars
Whether proximal or distal
Whether fiery gas or crystal
All they knew beyond a doubt was, it was ours
There were greater lights and lesser,
They were beautiful, but yes Sir,
It was evident they all belonged to us
Both the lesser and the greater
And of course, the stars’ creator,
Who’d decided we were worthy of the fuss.

Then it changed; the observation
Of a moving constellation
Showed a different sort of neighbor in the night
There’s a planet that’s between us
And the sun—we call it Venus,
And another planet, Mars, as well in flight.
Now our neighborhood’s gone plural
More suburbanite than rural
So we contemplate the details of God’s plan:
Did He give these planets Jesus?
Are they only there to please us?
Either way, we know His favorite is Man.

Tip of the cuttlecap to PZ, here.

(and no, this isn't technically an instance of pluralistic ignorance; that's when everyone in a group thinks that every other member of the group understands something, and each individual doesn't want to look like a fool admitting to being the only one who doesn't get it... Happens all the time. No, this is a rumination on the ignorance of pluralism.)

Terrapin Runway

2011-06-30T10:19:00.000-04:00

Fertile-ly, turtle-ly
Diamondback Terrapins
Took to the runways, in
Order to mate;

Flights were delayed, due to
Testudinoidea—
Love conquers all, so they
Just had to wait

It's happened before, and it happened again yesterday; around 150 turtles (terrapins, really) halted landings at one JFK runway. This year, the JFK turtles are even on Twitter.

But really, I just posted this so I could quote one of my favorite Ogden Nash poems, "The Turtle" (actually, I have heard that Nash's estate has had a great deal of trouble with people stealing his work and posting it without permission, so I'll just let you follow the link. It's very brief--4 lines--and charming, if you don't already know).

And yes, the title of this post is a Grateful Dead reference.

Jury Duty

2011-06-29T22:16:00.000-04:00

I cannot help but think it odd
To swear an oath “so help me god”

Yeah, well... I've been on jury duty this month. Found someone not guilty, and decided on a load of compensation for an accident. It was, overall, a very worthwhile, though extremely frustrating experience. Trying to get 12 people to agree on X, where the two opposing sides had suggested values of X ranging by over an order of magnitude. Long, boring story.

At the end, though (indeed, after we delivered our decision, before we were dismissed, while we were talking), I found at least 2 other jurors (only 4-5 of us were talking in this group) who, like me, raised their right hand but remained silent during the "do you swear or affirm yadda yadda yadda so help you god?" rigamarole. One of the others in this small conversational group had never considered the oath as discriminatory--I couldn't tell for certain, but it seemed to me that he was quite sympathetic.

I guess I'm not quite used to the idea of a significant number of godless around. Here, at least a quarter of the jury was (no idea about others, other than one christian minister).

Maybe I'm projecting, but it seemed like each of us was glad to find the other two. I know I was; it felt like they were as well.

Maybe there are more of us than we imagine; if we just show ourselves, we may already be in good company.

It's All So Simple, Really

2011-06-27T08:32:00.000-04:00

My problem wouldn’t go away
No matter what I’d do or say
No matter what I’d think or wish
My problem still stayed problem-ish
And so I looked for expert thought
To ask advice on what I ought…
I saw a doctor on TV
Who said he had advice for me:

“Remember, as you walk along:
You might be right—you might be wrong.
You’ll find two sides from which to choose
Each side could win—why must one lose?
There is no right and wrong, you know;
It’s only thinking makes it so
So close your eyes—just shut them tight—
And all your choices will be right!

Some say that two and two are four;
I don’t believe that any more—
It might be five, or six, or three,
They’re all the same (at least, to me).
Don’t close your mind! Go on! Ask why
The answer can’t be e or pi!
Of course it could! And so, it might!
It could be wrong; it could be right!”

I slowly turned and walked away
And thought on what he had to say;
I knew my odds were awfully slim
(Of course, that’s why I looked to him)
I realized, to my great delight
He’s either wrong, or else he’s right!
A simple fifty-fifty shot
Is better than I ever thought!

So now, when playing cards or dice
I never have to worry twice—
The odds I’d get the card I got?
I’d either get it or I’d not!
The trick to feeling really wise
Is simply to dichotomize:
This little trick is really nifty:
Everything is fifty-fifty!

And now, when faced with tricky choices,
Hordes of disagreeing voices,
Climate change, or vaccination,
Ayurvedic medication
Follow science? Follow gods?
I now know how to play the odds—
To find which side is best to join…
I close my eyes and flip a coin.

Technically, this post was inspired by reading some of PZ's give-and-take on Twitter with Deepak Chopra's followers. Science and magic, after all, are both possibilities, and there's no reason to think that either of them is more right than the other.

I've known people who reason like that. You probably do, too. Someone who will buy a lottery ticket, thinking that their odds are pretty decent--either it will win, or it won't, so there's a fifty-fifty shot. Or that there is a 50-50 chance the Large Hadron Collider will destroy the universe.

This is why courses in statistics and probability should be mandatory. And early. And repeated.

After all, sometimes it's not something trivial like the destruction of the universe. Sometimes it's something important, like vaccinating your child.

Brave Little Emma

2011-06-26T12:12:00.000-04:00

Brave little Emma, a child of God
Was at the museum one day
She listened politely, but found it quite odd
That they said what she heard them to say
Brave little Emma, she took them to task—
It was more than another might dare—
She knew in her heart just the question to ask
“Were you there?” Emma asked; “were you there?”

She remembered the question, our brave little Emma;
She’d learned it at home, during school
Museum guides, hearing it, faced a dilemma:
Should they lie? Should they look like a fool?
If they told her the truth, why, of course they weren’t present
But admitting it doesn’t seem fair
So they awkwardly pause—it’s distinctly unpleasant—
“Were you there?” Emma asked; “were you there?”

They had rocks that were nearly four billion years old
Or, at least, that was what the guide claimed
They were merely repeating some lies they’d been told
Emma’s question would leave them ashamed.
Don’t they know it is written, “a child shall lead them”?
They shouldn’t have been unaware!
There are truths in the Bible, if only they’d heed them—
“Were you there?” Emma asked; “were you there?”

Our brave little Emma, perhaps, could have learned
How they knew all the things that they said
Imagine that Emma, instead, was concerned
Asking “how do you know it?” instead!
There is wonder, and knowledge, and people to share it
You can learn quite a lot, if you care
But listen! Or else you’re no more than a parrot:
“Were you there?” Emma asked; “were you there?”

I hope that young Emma, that brave little girl
Will ask questions that let her mind grow
In museums, or church, she could give it a whirl,
Asking everyone, “How do you know?”
She will open her eyes to the world all around
And be willing and eager to share:
“Were you there on the day a new Emma was found?
“Were you there?” she will ask; “were you there?”

Context, of course, here and here.

Good News On The Diabetes Front!

2011-06-26T08:31:00.001-04:00

One of the more mysterious things doctors have ever seen
Is the spleen.
Throughout history
The function of the spleen has been shrouded in mystery.
The literature tells
It is known to filter blood, and remove dysfunctional red blood cells
It releases platelets and neutrophils when you bleed
And is a source of stem cells, in times of need
It can produce new red blood cells, like the marrow
But its function is not that narrow
Today, we see excellent news from drug trials (phase one)
For people with Type 1 Diabetes, which is not fun.
Mass General is testing the Calmette-Guerin vaccination
In a new situation;
It has been used to prevent tuberculosis and in the treatment of bladder cancer
But now there are questions about diabetes for which it might be the answer
The first trials show it is safe to use
Which is good news
And it has been shown to reverse type 1 diabetes in mice
Which is very nice
Even if you don’t happen to be a mouse
Which, as it happens, is the case for all the diabetics in this house.
So now, Phase II trials are beginning
And, though it is too early to really say that we are winning
I think I can reasonably say
It’s a good day.

According to their press release, the Phase I trials showed no ill effects of Calmette-Guerin vaccination on individuals with type 1 diabetes. This is not really unexpected; the C-G vaccine is already in use for TB and for bladder cancer, so it has had to pass such tests before. The big news is both in the past and in the future. In the past, this vaccine has allowed mice with type 1 diabetes to reverse the course of their disease. Studies have shown that the vaccine stimulates splenic stem cells to produce pancreatic islet cells; the stem cells essentially mimic their function in embryogenesis. In the future, the therapeutic potential for these stem cells is promising--not just for type 1 diabetics, but hey, right now that's the application that's got me smiling.

I'd try to explain the process a bit more, but it is not my area, so I'll defer to any of my readers who have the expertise--or if you see that someone else has written about it, let me know!

New York State Of Bliss

2011-06-24T22:07:00.001-04:00

(I have the New York Senate live stream up on another window, and this song insinuated itself on my brain. I'm posting it before the vote--NY, you'd better do the right thing, or this post won't make any sense!)

Some folks want the right to bake
Just a wedding cake for a wedding night
Groom and groom standing side by side
Or a bride and bride
As they wait for the notice
And their newly wedded kiss
I’m in a New York state of bliss

I’ve seen all of the politics
Of the little tricks and the grand debate
Been watching the senate in the Empire state
Had my own expectations
But I never hoped for this
I’m in a New York state of bliss

It was so different, living day by day
Out of luck, and the bigots bring the blues
But now I see a little give and take
In The New York Times, The Daily News

It comes down to reality
And it’s fine with me, ‘cause it’s simply right
Now the votes are in; it begins tonight
There’s a remnant of history
I am never going to miss
I’m in a New York state of bliss

It was so different, living day by day
Out of luck, and the bigots bring the blues
But now I see a little give and take
In The New York Times, The Daily News

It comes down to reality
And it’s fine with me, ‘cause it’s simply right
Now the votes are in; it begins tonight
There’s a remnant of history
I am never going to miss
I’m in a New York state of bliss

I’m just watching the live stream
And I’m waiting for the kiss
I’m in a New York state of bliss

(With apologies to Billy Joel.)

Animal Rights, And Wrongs

2011-06-23T12:53:00.000-04:00

I don’t believe in testing drugs
On poms or poodles, pits or pugs;
Those scientists are merely thugs
To do the things they do.

I feel, in no uncertain terms,
Protective of the slugs and worms;
In fact, the new resistant germs
Deserve protection too.

I cherish every living thing
Despite diseases they might bring
To life—all life—I fiercely cling
And each gets equal weight

And so of course, I think it best
To halt this sort of horrid test
(I’ve got my health—as for the rest,
Well, that’s the hand of fate)

Bacteria are living, too
And thus deserving, in my view
Of shielding from the folks, like you,
Who say they merit killin’

So I’ll stand up as one who fights
For every living being’s rights
Next up, I’ve got to set my sights
On banning penicillin.

Inspired by the comments on this thread. The above verse is, of course, a strawman; this comment has a much more nuanced view, which I endorse. Of course, given Cuttleson's diabetes, I have an interest in animal testing, and my priorities are clear.

Strange Bedfellows

2011-06-22T19:22:00.000-04:00

When Christians thought Mormons were Others, not Brothers,
Their prophets were false, their religion a cult.
Books would portray them as awful unlawful,
And violent riots would sometimes result

Now, the Republicans gather to blather,
To pound on their pulpits, to goad and incite;
But Mormons are, strangely and oddly, now godly,
When allied against the true, atheist blight.

NPR's Double Take 'Toons today got me thinking. If Romney or Huntsman either stand a ghost of a chance in the Republican primaries, among the people they have to thank are the vocal and visible atheists.

The cartoons (available at the link) illustrate a sea-change in religion and politics. The first shows the traditional prejudices against Mormons by evangelical christian Republicans; this prejudice has existed nearly as long as Mormons have. The second shows a very real reason that this established anti-Mormon prejudice is largely fading. Mind you, it doesn't explicitly make that connection, but I want to.

When the Mormon church was young, the religious landscape did not really have to contend with atheists. Sure, we existed, but we were invisible. Religious groups fought against one another, and you were identified by your particular religion--no one was "a believer", they were catholics, lutherans, episcopalians, yadda yadda yadda.

The rise of atheism, though, changed this landscape. It has only been with the recognition of a "non-believer" group (not monolithic by any means, but certainly qualitatively different from any believing group) that there could be a meaningful "believer" group (again, nowhere near monolithic, but sharing a characteristic that was once assumed to be universal).

Mormons were seen as a non-christian cult; some christians still view them this way. But now, thanks in no small part to atheists, Mormons are one of many varieties of christianity, which is one of many varieties of religious belief. And as such, they are (or may be) seen as fit to be elected to public office.

Because they are not atheists.

And that is the new religious landscape.

Almost Heaven

2011-06-20T20:16:00.000-04:00

County Rt. 1
Is not very fun;
It's bumpy, and narrow, and curving.
It's missing its shoulders,
Has potholes and boulders,
And driving it's frankly unnerving.
Traversing its length
Takes all of your strength;
It will measure the courage that's in ya--
I have crawled to its end
And I can't recommend
The destroy-your-car state, West Virginia.

My apologies for a few days of radio silence; I was on the road. Lots of driving, lots of bad weather to drive in, more than a few tears (I visited my brother's grave), and no internet from Thursday morning till late last night. So this post has nothing to do with anything major in the world, but serves as a warning to anyone thinking of driving in West Virginia.

Don't. Just... don't.

Go the other way. If you have to, make sure you have a car that is easy to lift.

I'm just sayin'.

iCuttle?

2011-06-15T14:08:00.000-04:00

I have just been informed that my books are now available through the iBookstore, for downloading to your iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch (none of which I own, so you'll have to let me know how it looks). I'll put up a button over on the sidebar, but for right now, you can follow this link.

Please share the link with anyone you think might be interested, or any you think might be really annoyed and have recently pissed you off.

Speaking Of Naked...

2011-06-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

Via "Wait, wait, don't tell me" and their news quiz (June 13th's in particular, but I can't seem to link to just that), I find TIME's article on naked hiking in Germany, and on Switzerland's Supreme Court challenge of their no-nude-hiking laws.

I remember those laws; I wrote about them at the time (amusing pic at the link):

The Swiss have said “Enough! Enough!”
We’ll have no hiking in the buff!
See, German hikers gave them fits
By showing off their naughty bits—
A practice which the Swiss construed
As lewd, indecent, crude and rude.

So now, if Germans wish to slough
Their clothing there, the going’s rough.
No innies, outies, bums, or tits;
The Germans now must use their wits
If suddenly, they’re in the mood
To go out rambling in the nude.

If someone tried to call the bluff,
And hike in full display of stuff
The Swiss police alertly sits
To meet them with an all-out blitz--
A picture which, I must conclude,
Leaves naked hikers rightly screwed.

I particularly like the way it's all the same rhymes. Not as easy as it looks.

Dance Naked At My Funeral

2011-06-14T08:08:00.000-04:00

Dance naked at my funeral! Because
You can; because you are alive to dance!
Dance naked—never mind the laws—
The cops might care; you’ll have to take that chance!

Dance beside the fresh-turned earth—my grave—
With nothing on but bright blue sky, or clouds
If the sky is mourning my loss. Misbehave!
Dance naked! You have no need of shrouds!

Dance, naked, around my silent stone;
If I were there, and living, I’d dance too!
But no, my music’s stopped; my dance is done
Dance for me! That’s all I ask of you!

Dance naked—mourn in movement, in the buff;
For now, forget… you’ll join me soon enough.

Via our friends at the Good Funeral Guide, an article on some recent arrests in Zimbabwe, of people who caused a disturbance by dancing naked at a funeral "in the full glare of mourners".

In one case, four were arrested; in another, 15 were arrested for naked dancing (or scantily clad dancing) at another funeral:

Officer commanding police in Mutare Urban District, Chief Superintendent Winston Muzah, confirmed the arrests.

"We cannot have a situation whereby people strip naked at funerals. That is taboo and criminal. As police, we do not condone such acts and we are on the alert for any repeat of such behaviour. We will take stern action against anyone found on the wrong side of the law," he said.

It kind of made me wonder about the motivation. Was this a celebration? Were these people crashing funerals they were not part of? The article, while disapproving, is short on details of motivation:

Of late, funerals and burials in the high-density suburbs have degenerated into platforms of nudity in which mourners indulge in all sorts of misdemeanor.

Again, but why?

The more I thought about it, the more I thought... I want people dancing naked at my funeral. It is a time (or may be) when you feel most strongly the impermanence of life--so what better time to celebrate the delicate absurdity of it all?

Beat(less) Poem

2011-06-13T08:45:00.000-04:00

image: Texas Heart Institute

There’s a little pump that’s sorta
Attached to my aorta
It plays a major part
But I knew I needed somepin’
For my blood to keep on pumpin’
Like an artificial heart

I knew it was worth tryin’
Cos otherwise I’m dyin’
I needed to restart
Though my blood races quicker
There’s no ticking in my ticker
It’s an artificial heart

For life, I’d face the knife
I know just what to do

You want to try a little something new?

Without a beat? Still sweet!

I can keep the reaper waitin’
My blood is circulatin’
I’m feelin’ mighty smart
Though my pulse won’t be stirrin’
I will hear the gentle whirrin’
Of my artificial heart

Via NPR, a story to warm all three of my cuttlefish hearts--new directions and progress in plumbing! Circulatory plumbing, that is--a new artificial heart, using centrifugal pumps rather than attempting to replicate a beating heart. No pulse--complete flatline--but blood circulates, and I am assured that this is what blood is supposed to do.

As always, the comments are fun; already, the poor poets and songwriters are being pitied. So I thought I'd be the first to jump in and write a bit of non-beat poetry.

Four Wheels Good--Two Wheels Bad!

2011-06-12T20:07:00.000-04:00

When on a bike, I take great pains
To stay inside the cycle lanes
There may be unexpected stops
But still, it beats the traffic cops.

Actually, the cycle lanes in and around Cuttletown are getting better, but they have been thin, poorly marked, and ignored by drivers. As cycle lanes often are. So when I saw the story of a cyclist, ticketed for riding in a vehicular lane, there wasn't much chance of me siding with the cop. Cars frequently use the bike lane when they need a bit of breathing room--and who can blame them? Much nicer to ding the paint on a bike than to face a truck nose to nose.

But come on--give the same consideration to a bike that needs to travel a car lane!

In theory, bikes and cars both are vehicles, subject to the same laws, and with equal claim to the road. In practice, some vehicles are more equal than others.

Clover The Turtle

2011-06-11T20:46:00.000-04:00

Clover the turtle, with no back legs,
Can’t dig a hole to lay her eggs
But when she arrives on the Florida sands
Biologists lend some helping hands
She lays her eggs, they’re covered over,
Then slowly, off again goes Clover.

Via CNN, a story of Clover the leatherback turtle. Her hind flippers have been bitten off by sharks, but with a little help from her human friends, she still lays several nests of eggs each year (seven this year).

It's really a sweet story--especially on a news day dominated by scandalous politics. There's only so much muck I can wade through. On the other hand, take a look at the comments following the story. Even here, commenters are chastising those who deny god's powers--how else would a turtle know how deep to dig?

*sigh*

"Two Crustaceans On The Moon..."

2011-06-09T09:43:00.000-04:00

A guest post of sorts today! Reader Azita shares a song she wrote, and which I absolutely love. There is something special about the cross-pollination between art and science; Azita is a biology student, and so this song takes a unique perspective. It is "Lobster Love", and I've attached the lyrics below--but watch and listen first!

The lyrics:
Wouldn't it be nice you and me
Two lobsters in the sea
Holding claws on the beach
Wouldn't it be nice if we had time
To watch the world go by
Watch day turn into night
As the stars begin to shine
Under starlight you are mine

I know that I only met you once but I never needed anyone else
I'm not saying this is love but I never needed anyone else

If we could I'd like to ride in a balloon
Fly as high as we could
Two crustaceans on the moon
We could do all the things we dreamed we'd do
Have anemones for tea
And a conch shell made for two
And we'd have to make some room
For the little lobsters too

I know that I only met you once but I never needed anyone else
I'm not saying this is love but I never needed anyone else

You make my heart beat faster, just listen
Faster than it should with my single circulatory system
I always knew I wanted you in my picture
If I had a spine you'd make it shiver
Believe me, I'm your biggest fan
I care for you as deeply as an arthropod can
When I'm with you, we have a lot of fun
You see right through my protective exoskeleton

I know that I only met you once but I never needed anyone else
I'm not saying this is love but I never needed anyone else

There is just so much to love about this ("if I had a spine you'd make it shiver"), and I thank Azita from the bottoms of all three of my Cuttlefish hearts, and encourage all of you to follow her example, and be creative and wonderful.

Just Because

2011-06-08T10:10:00.000-04:00

So I was looking through the comments at USA Today's "Faith & Reason" blog--you know how much I love reading comments. In particular, this one brought out a predictable sort because a religion blog was criticizing the tone of a science blogger. Commenters claimed there was no solid proof for evolution, and that no scientists were present at the Big Bang so it's only a theory... and that if they want hard evidence, then they should look to the words of Jesus Christ.

It brought to mind a verse from just over 3 years ago, so I dredged it back up. Long time readers will recognize it, but I have quite a few more eyes on the page since then.

I’ve examined evolution, and I think I understand
Though the evidence is shaky, still I think the theory’s grand
But it’s only just a theory, so it’s only just a start
And an open-minded person should try picking it apart.
No belief without a reason! Give me proof of what you claim!
And the more I look, the more I see the evidence is lame!
When considering a tangled bank, I choose to see God’s Laws
And the reason I believe it? Just because.

Charles Darwin drew a picture of an ever-branching tree
From the earliest of creatures all the way to you and me
Other limbs produced the fishes, beetles, lizards, monkeys, ants,
Paramecia, bacteria, creationists and plants;
He supported it with evidence of every kind he could
Which I’ve critically examined, as a thinking person should;
Now I know that he’s mistaken in the picture that he draws
And the reason I believe it? Just because.

If you analyze it critically, as science says we must
You’ll find laws of physics broken, so the theory is a bust:
The second thermo-something law is busted into pieces
By the fact that evolution means that entropy decreases!
And random changes couldn’t make the creatures that we find,
So the evidence is clear, that we cannot be un-designed!
With castles out of playing-cards and armies made of straws
There’s the reason I believe it: Just because.

Now, with Darwin and his evolution clearly in the tank
There is only one alternative, if I am to be frank;
That’s the theory found in Genesis, the Holy Word of God,
And with natural selection out, creation gets the nod.
But we can’t be disrespectful to our deeply held belief,
So our critical examination, this time, must be brief
There’s no clothing on this emperor, not even filmy gauze—
But the reason I believe it? Just because.

Sure, the logic may be iffy, and the evidence is slim—
Who created the creator? And then, who created him?
Why the Genesis creation? Why not something else instead?
Can we guarantee the story is exactly what God said?
Is it literal or metaphor, or maybe outright fiction?
What’s the proper course of action when we find a contradiction?
I’m ignoring any nagging doubt within me where it gnaws
And the reason I believe it? Just because.

If I’m right, I go to heaven, which I’d really like to do
But I’ll go to hell for sure if I suspect that it’s untrue
It’s a simple little wager, there’s no reason to think twice:
You get punished if you’re naughty, you get presents if you’re nice
From the guy who watches all of us, from there behind his beard
(And who cares if it’s millennia since last time he appeared?)
And so, even if it’s really just a grown-up’s Santa Claus
Well, the reason I believe it? Just because.

The Much-Revered Sarah Palin

2011-06-07T18:01:00.000-04:00

Listen my children, and then discuss
The stupidity found in the Palin bus
At the end of May, and beginning of June,
A visit we can’t forget too soon
That the media types force-fed to us.

She said to supporters gathered there
In folksy phrases, full of charm,
“You patriots are all aware
That Paul Revere, he gave that alarm
By ringin’ that bell, and shootin’ that gun,
That red-blooded patriots weren’t gonna run
He was ready to ride to keep us free
And tell them all ‘don’t tread on me’
So, one if by land, and two if by sea”

Reporters there were heard to say
They hadn’t learned it quite that way
As writers, some were English-lit-ish
And questioned if he’d warned the British
Who were, of course, the enemy,
Invading us—by land or sea—
So Sarah missed a thing or three
Her more important task that night
Was “make the news”, not “get it right.”

Meanwhile, her teabag friend Michele
While touring in the Granite State
A fortnight sooner to this date
(Well, give or take a day or two)
Was misconstruing facts as well
Her “shot heard round the world” was great
New Hampshire, though, was heard to boo.

The Concord where the shot was fired
“Heard round the world,” you may recall
Was not New Hampshire’s town at all,
Thus not the one where she was mired.
It seems there may be no Repubs
Who haven’t uttered stupid flubs
Their grasp, it seems, of history
Is battered, bruised, and blistery,
And why they’re on the public stage
In this enlightened day and age
Is more or less a mystery

Reader Kathie has alerted me (and so, I alert you) to a bit of versical fun at the Washington Post. You are invited to submit your own poems, honoring those there great patriot types, Paul Revere and Sarah Palin.

For a while, I considered writing a verse the length of the original. Then, I slapped myself in the forehead and scolded myself for contemplating such a waste of time. But hey, maybe I'll add on to what I have here. When I'm all caught up with more important things, like alphabetizing my socks.

I'm Just A Tweet

2011-06-07T09:29:00.000-04:00

Boy: Woof! There sure are a lot of people talking about this new scandal! I wonder what started it all!

Oh, I’m just a tweet
A congressional tweet
Just a photo that he’d like to delete
Well, if he’d stopped for a moment
Or considered just a minute
And thought “what would happen
If the whole world saw what’s in it?”
Now he wishes I would go away
And he hopes and prays that I will
But today I am still just a tweet

Boy: Gee, Tweet, that’s an awful lot of commotion over one picture!

Tweet: Well, I’m not just a tweet—I’m a lewd tweet by a Democratic member of Congress! I’m like a gift from the gods to the media, and especially to the right-wing pundits on Fox News! I started out small, but here’s the thing; any attempt to make me go away just makes me bigger! And any attempt to make me bigger, also makes me bigger!

Oh, I’m just a tweet
A congressional tweet
And he’s wishing that he’d been more discreet
Well it’s a long, long way
From initially denying
To a full press conference
With confessionals and crying
Now the media have come to play
They are sensing prey they can kill
So today, they are still on the tweet

Boy: Listen to the media talk! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

Tweet: Oh, it’s not debate; that would require more rationality. This is blood lust, and it’s only mostly about me. Some of it is about old grudges and insults, and I’m just a proxy issue. If they didn’t puff me up with importance, my story might die.

Boy: Die?

Tweet: Well, the news cycle is a stern taskmaster. But it looks like Fox News is going to run with me! Now the rest of the networks, papers, and websites have to choose whether they want me.

Boy: If they do, what happens?

Tweet: I’ll be the only thing on every media outlet until the next scandal hits!

Boy: Oh no!

Tweet: Oh yes!

I’m just a tweet
A congressional tweet
And the media are howling for meat
So now I’m stuck in the headlines
As a useful distraction
Diverting attention
From every other action
I’m the dirty laundry on display
Leading folks astray is my skill
So today I am still just a tweet

Boy: You mean there are other stories in the news, that people won’t see because they are focusing on you?

Tweet: Yes, that’s called the Modern Attention Span. The media believe you can only pay attention to one thing at a time, so that’s what they give you.

Boy: Wow, I guess it’s not easy to get out of the public eye when so many people have reason for you to stay, is it?

Tweet: No!

But how I hope and I pray that I will,
But today I am still just that tweet

News Anchor: Look! Sarah Palin said something stupid!

Tweet: Oh yes!!

Weiners In Public

2011-06-06T17:31:00.000-04:00

The members of the media
Were moved, it seems, to tears;
They hadn’t seen such honesty
In far too many years
The congressman spoke openly
And did not try to hide;
He did not say “mistakes were made”
But rather, said “I lied”
He’d hurt his wife and family;
He’d hurt some friends he’d met
(Though they’d never met in person,
Merely on the internet)
His sin was, frankly, private,
And the public was not hurt;
He simply was a man who’d found
He rather liked to flirt.

The members of the media
Decided it was right
To keep his private troubles
From a harsh and public light;
They thought he’d had his punishment
Just facing them today
They thanked him for his troubles, and
They turned and walked away.

As virtually every news source in the world is reporting, Rep. Weiner has confessed. He did a bit of cyber-foolery, and lied about it.

I don't recall Weiner as having been a moralizer, so I can't easily laugh at him. He is in a world of hurt with his wife, but this is a big nothing, as scandals go. The measured response by the media should be... to leave it be.

So, how many weeks/months/years do you think they will actually drag it out?

How To Get An IPad

2011-06-04T10:39:00.000-04:00

Won’t you listen to my story
Cos it won’t take very long
It’s a tale about a Chinese boy,
Whose name was Little Zheng

Just a boy like any other
And he liked the latest stuff
But it costs a lot of money
And he didn’t have enough

So he thought about his problem
But he didn’t have a clue
Till he saw a notice posted
And he knew what he must do

If you’re feeling some frustration with your current situation
Here’s a little operation, if your conscience will allow
It’s a serious incision, but it’s done with great precision
It’s the rational decision if you want your money now

Little Zheng, he called the number
And they told him where to go
But he had to keep it secret—
It’s illegal, don’t you know

But he really needed money
Cos an iPad costs a lot
And a kidney was the only
Thing of value that he’s got

So he signed away his organ
And he vanquished any doubt
And they gassed him up, and laid him down
And cut the sucker out

If you’re feeling some frustration with your current situation
Here’s a little operation, if your conscience will allow
It’s a serious incision, but it’s done with great precision
It’s the rational decision if you want your money now

It’s a gory little story
But this isn’t where it ends
See, he got a lot of stitches
But he couldn’t show his friends

He devised a bit of fiction
But it wouldn’t get him far
And his mother got suspicious
So he had so show his scar

Now his story’s hit the big time
So I’ll make this guarantee
That this tale of Little Zheng’s is
Not the last one that we’ll see

If you’re feeling some frustration with your current situation
Here’s a little operation, if your conscience will allow
It’s a serious incision, but it’s done with great precision
It’s the rational decision if you want your money now

Yup, Xiao Zheng allegedly sold his kidney to buy an iPad and an iPod, the BBC reports. Video at the link. The cynic in me suspects that this story (mother's shame and all) will result in a boom of kidneys available for rich people, and a new iPad market among teenagers.

Happy Donut Day!

2011-06-03T10:01:00.000-04:00

Let us raise our voice in chorus
For that deep-fried, doughy torus
Though it’s not the best thing for us
It’s a super special treat

Found in bakeries or delis,
Dipped in sugars, filled with jellies,
We can stuff them in our bellies
Just as fast as we can eat

And it's Donuts, Donuts, Donuts, and Hooray, Hooray, Hooray!
So let's all go out and go nuts, saying Happy Donut Day!

Surely, nothing could be duller
Than a day without a cruller
In that toasted-almond color
So you know it's cooked just right

I love fritters and berliners
Some say Boston Cremes are winners
Cider donuts for beginners
So you're hooked at just one bite!

And it's Donuts, Donuts, Donuts, and Hooray, Hooray, Hooray!
So let's all go out and go nuts, saying Happy Donut Day!

In the US, the first Friday in June is, as you all know, National Doughnut Day (or National Donut Day). Rumor has it that both Krispy Kreme and Dunkin' Donuts are handing out free donuts (or doughnuts) today. I don't know; I'm on a diet. Besides, the best donut in the known universe (as determined by me, but objectively true nonetheless) is no longer being made. It was the apple fritter (don't complain that it is not technically a donut--it is the perfection that every donut would want to be if were able to choose) made by a small bakery one town over from Cuttletown. I lived next door to that bakery 27 years ago, and never tired of those fritters. We moved away, and when I went back to visit over a decade later, they had discontinued their fritters! Customers just weren't buying deep-fried pastries, so they got rid of the equipment (gasp!) and the recipe (horror!).

So, you can have your National Donut Day (or National Doughnut Day); for me, it is a day of mourning, for what was, for its time in the universe, the best possible argument for Platonic Ideals.

Life--Meaningless?

2011-06-02T19:21:00.000-04:00

God is not dead; God never lived.
There was no God to begin with.
No Eden’s fall, no Hell at all,
No matter who you sin with.

There is no reason, is no plan,
And purpose, what we make it.
No god above—but merely love
For all who don’t forsake it

Ok, so quite some time ago I posted something about a "Socrates Exchange" program I had happened upon on the radio. For no particular reason, I was looking through past posts, clicked a link, and found the upcoming Socrates Exchange... rather annoying. "Is life ultimately meaningless?" is the question, but that doesn't begin to tell the story. The real question is, if there is no god, is life meaningless? If there is no ultimate purpose, is life meaningless? And the odd thing is, those questions are assumed to be identical!

Most of the comments, thus far, suggest (reasonably) that purpose is what we make it. There are one or two that say God gives life purpose, and that the "if there is no god" clause is just silly. Ok, they don't use that phrase.

What would be our purpose, if there was a god? I'd really like to know. How would it make our lives meaningful, if our purpose was to suck up to a deity? Might be nice for him/her/it/them, of course--might give h/h/i/t a purpose, much like stamp collecting gives a collector purpose--but what does that say about our own purpose?

If god gives us purpose, are we the equivalent of beany babies to a collector? More active, perhaps. Pawns? No, far less powerful. Goldfish?

I don't think the Socrates Exchange people have really thought this through. True purpose must be our own, and cannot be god's. It can only be determined by us--a false "ultimate purpose" (you may insert any god's wishes here) is nothing but fantasy. Real purposes, our own purposes--learning about ourselves and our universe; making our world a better place; collecting all the beany babies--are, no matter how trivial, superior to god's purposes in one very important way.

They are real.

(BTW, the actual program does not start for about a week, so if you have comments to add to their site, you could go a long way toward polishing the image of atheists/skeptics/humanists/cuttlefishists (or just plain humans) and our view of the world as it actually is.)

Thank You!

2011-06-01T19:02:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note, because I am busier than I ought to be after handing in grades.

The Camp Quest fundraising challenge is over, and the clear winner is....

Camp Quest!

As for any other winners, you can take a look at the final tally here. Or a few other places, but I wanted to link to PZ's because he's wrong. It was actually ever-so-slightly closer than that, with a late donation to Team PZ.

The final numbers, for those who don't wish to click...

Team Awesome: $13,550.06
Team PZ: $13,016.01

Matched amounts:
Team Awesome: $1,868.73
Team PZ: $1,640.00
Total Match: $3,508.73

Team Totals (with matches included):
Team Awesome: $15,418.79
Team PZ: $14,656.01

Grand Total Raised: $30,074.80

So, yeah, thanks to all who helped!

Atheist Crowdsource

2011-05-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for writing
That's cool, or exciting,
Or just has a nice turn of phrase
That's calm, or frenetic,
Or even poetic
There's so many wonderful ways
Your favorites, selected,
Compiled and collected
For use, any way you see fit
So it's time to get cooking--
Keep writing! Keep looking!
Go find all the best, and submit!

The background: Cuttlefish University does not have an atheist student organization. There are half a dozen Christian orgs, two Jewish orgs, and some sort of multi-faith thingie (no Muslim orgs, which my Muslim students have certainly noticed). I don't feel it is my place to start a student organization, when I am not a student, but it certainly would be my place to offer to meet with any of the believers' organizations as a "meet an atheist" day sort of thing.

Which brings me to the present, and to this post. I can certainly represent myself. But atheists have no central authority, no binding principles; we are privatively defined by our lack of belief in a god or gods. Someone could give the Catholic party line, but no one person can give the atheist perspective. I'm more than happy to share my own beliefs, but to really show these groups the breadth of atheist belief (because, of course, we do believe in stuff... just not in gods), I would like to be able to share other people's beliefs as well.

In that context--an atheist, invited to address a group of believers--what would you propose should be read? I would like to develop a database of relatively short pieces (there are some wonderful books out there, but they are clearly too long a form for the current situation) that anyone could have access to, to augment their own experience in representing atheists while addressing religious groups.

So I ask--what essays have moved you? What stories would you want to share? Don't limit this to well-known writers (but don't neglect them!); don't limit this to positive stories (or to negative!); don't limit this to whitewashed or bowdlerized stories, if the unvarnished truth is what moved you; the whole point is to have a collection of real atheist voices, that anyone could draw upon to demonstrate "what atheists believe" or "who atheists are". Be specific--not just "X is always worth reading", but rather "this particular essay by X is perfect."

I did a quick search before posting this--there are a few sites that seem somewhat related to my question, but frankly, none that fit what I am looking for. Certainly, I might have missed the perfect source--if so, please correct me! But if I am right, this could be a very useful resource. It will be available for anyone to pick and choose from, for their own "get to know an atheist" talks.

Please pass this on to others--nominate links in the comments. I will contact the authors for their permission, and will maintain the list to the best of my abilities. (I have no real ego, so if there is someone better qualified or better able to do so, let me know.)

And, for the record, anyone can use any of my verses in such a situation--consider this my explicit consent. I'll likely look through and put just one or two verses into this collection, though.

Two More Days

2011-05-29T20:15:00.000-04:00

For two things, actually--first, to decide which side gets to break out a razor, in the battle between Team PZ (a one-man-gang to be reckoned with) and Team Underdog (aka Team Awesome). For current totals, see PZ's post here. The consensus is, PZ is an evil genius.

The second thing is, I just found an email (sorry, I was grading) that gives not a 20% discount, but a 25% discount, on my book. Just follow the link:

and use the code word CYBERMAY305, and save 25%--up to $500, if you order in bulk. (I keep mentioning this, but none of you own bookstores, it seems.)

Both of these good causes are toast at the end of the month. You can still give money to either, but it would be considerably more altruistic on your part.

Meanwhile... my grades are turned in, my parents have visited and left, the family is healthy. Almost makes me wish I had something to complain about.

Reminds me of a song I wrote a while ago--either a true story, or bitter sarcasm...

I'm in love with a beautiful woman
When she's beside me I can't lose
I'm in love with a beautiful woman
When she's beside me I can't lose
I'm so sad because I'm too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)
I got a ninety dollar necktie
Seven hundred dollar shoes
I got a ninety dollar necktie
Seven hundred dollar shoes
I'm so sad because I'm too happy to sing the blues

Don't you give me no three wishes
Got no wishes I would choose
(X2)
I'm so sad because I'm too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)

I got everything I ever wanted in the whole wide world
Offer me more, I'd just refuse (go ahead, I dare you, make me an offer)
(x2)
I'm so sad because I'm too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)

Got more money than I can handle
It's just me and Howard Hughes
(X2)
I'm so sad because I'm too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)

(etc.-- at one point I had dozens of verses, I think...)

The Monster Of Morris

2011-05-27T21:23:00.000-04:00

The Monster of Morris was loved and adored
He commanded the awesome Pharyngula horde
When he mentioned the contest, the mighty crowd roared
“We are stronger than even Chuck Norris!”
But the balance of power must soon be restored
We’ll defeat the Monster of Morris!

The call echoed over the length of the land
For the underdog team, it was cluster’s last stand
With a weekend to go, they were still down two grand
So they raised up their voices in chorus:
Won’t the generous atheists please lend a hand,
To defeat the Monster of Morris!

Now the underdog team has a simple request:
If in humankind’s future you’d like to invest,
There are many good reasons to give to Camp Quest
And no reason at all to ignore us
The underdog team could be best of the best
And defeat the Monster of Morris!

The humanist, atheist, free-thinking kind
Who look not to heaven but to their own mind
Are asking the folks who are likewise inclined
To support, you don’t have to adore us
But the power of many, when all are combined
Can defeat the Monster of Morris!

Forgive us, I ask, if we poke or we prod
But I’m really concerned for the underdog squad
And we won’t have the help of some meddling god
Like Jehovah or Hermes or Horus
We rely on our readers to overcome odds
And defeat the Monster of Morris!

We are at the final weekend. If you were waiting, wait no longer. This is a good cause, no matter who wins, but I like underdogs. Hell, I'm a Browns fan.

So, if you have friends who might be interested, forward this along. Relatives? Neighbors? Pets? The odds are against us, but there are very few odder than me. Hey, if you are in good with some creationists, tell them they can rub PZ's nose in it. Their money still works.

Here--read Greta Christina's last-ditch post if you need context. Or you could just trust me, and forward this to all the benevolent millionaires on your list.

Good Night, Spirit

2011-05-24T19:29:00.001-04:00

The New York Times is reporting that Spirit, everybody's favorite* presence on another planet, is finally to be abandoned. After exceeding the wildest expectations of its builders, Spirit finally gave up the ghost a little over a year ago. Nasa has been sending a daily call since then, with no answer, and tomorrow will be the last call. It is exceedingly unlikely that spirit will give any sort of response, but NASA will be listening through the end of the month.

I remind you of XKCD's homage to Spirit (click through--the pic is too big for my lousy layout, and it is one which brings tears to my eyes), and repost my own verse from January 2010:

Why do we care about poor little Spirit?
A robot is shutting down; why all the fuss?
My theory, assuming you might want to hear it—
It’s not just a bot: it’s a real part of us.

For over six years, I could wander a planet;
This rover named Spirit would act as my eyes!
Much more than suspected, back when they began it,
So, yes, I’ll be sad when the poor creature dies.

You say, “it’s a robot—it never was living!
It’s metal and silicon, lenses and gears!
Exploring the surface of Mars, unforgiving,
Controlled from a distance, for over six years!”

Of course, this is true. It’s a robot, just driving;
It just blindly does what it’s programmed to do.
But it does so where I have no hope of surviving,
And when it shuts down, then I’m blind on Mars, too.

I think it is good that the “death” of this rover
Is met with emotion—a tear, or a frown.
We all hit the off-switch, when our time is over…
I hope you’ll feel likewise when I power down.

*We cheer for underdogs. Spirit's twin, Opportunity, is still up and running, improbably and wonderfully.

Happy Birthday, Bob Dylan

2011-05-24T08:26:00.000-04:00

He's 70 today.

I was late to the table in becoming a Dylan fan; couldn't stand his voice. Now, it doesn't bother me so much, and there is no disputing, the man has a way with words.

Anyway, others have said much more intelligent stuff about him and today's lap of the odometer, so I'll just say "Thanks for doing all of the heavy lifting", and link to some of my older verses blatantly stolen. I could have sworn there were more.

They will be leaving, about the most recent rapture.

Ah, yes, with the Wisconsin union fights, it seems you couldn't turn on a TV without seeing... Charlie Sheen?

How do you do science, when God intervenes? Is there a control for that?

Of course, God intervenes all the time in football. Especially on Super Bowl Sunday.

And a silly little announcement for a blog carnival hosted by the much-missed TUIBGuy.

Happy Birthday, Bob Dylan, and thanks!

Apocalypse When?

2011-05-23T23:30:00.000-04:00

With Harold Camping’s second strike,
His wounds were self-inflicted
Cos holy Jesus didn’t like
The date that he’d predicted;

He’s tried again! Oh, what a shame!
But this time, it’s October
(Too bad it’s not a drinking game;
We’d none of us be sober)

You guessed it!

Harold Camping's Success

2011-05-22T15:50:00.000-04:00

“Harold Camping Fails Again”
The global headline hollers--
But no—his fraud’s a great success…
“Success” defined in dollars

Call me cynical, but I suspect there are two things Harold Camping loves more than Jesus. Money and attention. If we define Camping's success or failure in terms of these two standards, he is a tremendous success. He took in tens of millions of dollars in just the past few years (the International Business Times reports $100 million in the past 7 years, based on tax returns), in order to spread ~~the~~ his gospel worldwide. Not to mention all the free publicity of the past week or so. No, this is a major win for Camping.

Of Headlines and Deadlines

2011-05-21T14:28:00.000-04:00

News outlets struggled to capture the Rapture
With interviews, videos, photos and such
Intimate details make writing exciting
So everyone aimed for the personal touch

Editors laughed at the deadline in headlines—
Lunatic out-groups are always fair game—
Some woman attempted to slaughter her daughters;
I doubt that the newsies will shoulder some blame

Watching the rapture was once fun. I think the first story I saw on it was months ago, and it gave me a chuckle; I was amused that such a splinter story would make it to national press. As you are well aware, not only did it make it to national press, but in the past week I don't know of a media outlet that did not have a rapture story.

And there's the problem.

A fringe belief was given a sort of legitimacy by round-the-clock coverage. The linked story above is a bit of collateral damage. I expect more, and hope to be wrong.

News outlets could have done differently. The lede tended to be "look at how deeply these people believe" rather than "oh, look, yet another end-times prophesy" (yes, both themes were there, but the ratios were not to my liking). The prophecy was "debunked" by other religious leaders pointing to other bible verses, rather than by historians or social scientists. Camping's cult is different only in the specificity of their timeline, and the lunacy of the broader belief was never (rarely, and by atheists, another outgroup) questioned.

This should have been a small paragraph on page 13, not a headline.

20% Off Sale!

2011-05-20T19:24:00.000-04:00

I didn't plan this, but it showed up in my mailbox--through the end of this month, you can get 20% off of the regular price of The Digital Cuttlefish Omnibus. If you are buying in bulk (yeah, right), you can save up to 50 bucks. Remember, it's the perfect graduation gift, or end-of-the-world I-told-you-so gift, or just a really thick coaster for those icy summer drinks (northern hemisphere) or steaming cups of coffee, tea, or chocolate (southern hemisphere).

Just enter the coupon code "BOOK355" (without quotation marks) and congratulate yourself on being a shrewd and thoughtful consumer. Here, I'll even give you a handy button to bring you right to the store:

Make you a bet: If the world does not end within the next 48 hours (see how generous I am!), you buy one or two. If it does, I'll buy you all drinks in Hell.

Wrong-Again Harold (A Camping Song)

2011-05-20T14:29:00.001-04:00

Wrong-again Harold had made a prediction
Wrong-again Harold was once again wrong
Wrong-again Harold believed in a fiction,
But wrong-again Harold kept chugging along.

Wrong-again Harold had plenty of money
So wrong-again Harold bought billboards and such
People who saw them all thought they were funny
But wrong-again Harold, he didn’t care much

Wrong-again Harold misled the believers
Wrong-again Harold expressed no remorse
Wrong-again, wrong-again,
String-em-along-again,
Wrong-again Harold stayed true to his course.

Wrong-again Harold, he looked through the bible
Wrong-again Harold, he did all the math
Wrong-again Harold, he claim’s he’s reli’ble
And gives us the date and the time of god’s wrath

Wrong-again Harold, I feel I should mention,
Wrong-again Harold has done this before;
Wrong-again Harold, he craves the attention—
Wrong-again Harold’s a media whore.

Wrong-again Harold misled the reporters
Wrong-again Harold expressed no remorse
Wrong-again, wrong-again,
String-em-along-again,
Wrong-again Harold stayed true to his course.

Wrong-again Harold’s not much of a story
Wrong-again Harold has nothing to say
Wrong about rapture and heaven and glory
Please, can we just put this story away?

Wrong-again Harold, the media darling,
Radio, papers, the web, and TV
There on your soapbox, you’ve led me to snarling:
Bury this story, and just let me be!

Wrong-again Harold provided the message
Wrong-again Media, added their force
Wrong-again, wrong-again,
String-us-along-again,
Wrong-again Harold stayed true to his course.

Is there a media outlet anywhere that has not given this man coverage? How many separate stories has he been in, among the major players? This has all the civility of a circus freak show, and I'm sick of it.

The Apple iGod

2011-05-20T06:40:00.001-04:00

Mac-ily crack-ily
Apple Enthusiasts
Think about gadgets, and
Light up their brains,

Piquing the interest of
Neuroanatomists,
Glad to discuss what
The picture explains:

Sexily, vexily,
Newest technology
Shows an analysis
Just a touch odd;

Macheads don’t suffer from
Psychopathology;
Rather, their brains see the
Gadgets as God.

Apple-ish, Chapel-ish
Documentarians
Came to conclusions
A bit front-to-back;

God was their yardstick, but
Incomprehensibly—
Truth is, Jehovah is
Merely a Mac.

So, yeah, CNN is reporting about a Beeb documentary on the Secrets of the Superbrands. The big news that CNN takes from it is that Mac devotees' brains (as measured by MRI) light up when they are viewing Apple gadgets the same way that religious devotees' brains light up when they see images of their god.

But of course, the interpretation is all wrong. They say that iPads, for instance, benefit from MacHeads' "god-like devotion"... No, actually. God (whichever god you choose) inspires Mac-like devotion. I doubt very much that an area of the brain evolved to deal with stuff that is not there. I suspect, rather, that it developed to deal with stuff that is actually there, and was hijacked by a fiction.

I have often wondered whether the areas of the brain that light up for religious devotion, might light up for pop stars, movie idols, favorite authors, or the like. It would surprise me greatly if the feeling of awe inspired by a god and the feeling of awe inspired by a Van Gogh are differentially located in the brain. Evolution is a notorious tinkerer, and re-uses stuff all the time: "Love, pain, money, cocaine light up same area of brain", suggests one title. So, no surprise that iPads and gods are similarly wired.

What would have been extraordinary would be if god-perception was utterly unique. That would be remarkable, actually. But that, I suspect, would require intelligent design. No such luck.

Attack Of The Minnows

2011-05-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

The big fish in their tiny pool
Where all the world is just one school
Can taunt and tease the godless fool
And bow their heads and pray
But video technology
Means, now the outside world can see
The worst of Christianity
In prominent display

Replacing prayer with silent thought?
Not good enough! And so, they fought!
They never figured to be caught—
And also, it was fun!
So, proving that they have no shame
The cowards held the kid to blame
And broke the law; it’s just the same
As Jesus would have done

It could have been such a great civics lesson. It could have been the mother of all teachable moments. It could have been a time for a community to shine.

But no.

It was a time for a community to pull together against a common enemy, to pretend to be victims of a persecution they were actually perpetrating.

Context, and video, at PZ's.

Graduation Rites

2011-05-19T11:05:00.000-04:00

All across our mighty nation
At this time of graduation
It is Christian obligation
To acknowledge god in prayer
With a solemn invocation
Or an eloquent oration
That’s an open invitation
Aimed at everybody there

With a biblical quotation
To elicit contemplation:
“Lead us not into temptation”
As we head into the world
And with no equivocation
We affirm our adoration
And we pledge our dedication
To a banner there unfurled.

Now some godless aberration
Through his email machination
Seeks no less than termination
Of our simple, cherished rite!
Says we’re all in violation
Of the proper legislation
And demands an abrogation
Or he’ll lawyer up and fight!

Having read his information
We admit, with resignation,
Though it seems abomination
We sought federal advice
With our lawyers’ consultation,
To avoid much litigation
We announce the cancellation
Of the virgin sacrifice.

Via PZ, we hear of the annual dance between God and Country. Only one or the other gets invited to public school graduations, it seems. In Bastrop, LA, it was God that got the ticket, until Damon Fowler reminded the school that their traditional prayer was unconstitutional. As a reward for his civics lesson, the school lauded the young man, and is dedicating the graduation ceremonies to him.

Oh, wait, no. They are threatening him, and pretty much riding him out of town on a rail. Though the school board quickly realized he was in the right, the good christians of the area are planning to overwhelm the compromise "moment of silence" with prayer. This, of course, is their right. And it shows how much they value the words of Jesus, specifically Matthew 6:5-6. I kinda wish someone there would take that moment of silence (if it is indeed disturbed by loud prayer) as an opportunity to sacrifice a chicken or goat, right there, spray its carcass with rum, and basically exercise the same first amendment rights the other praying folks are. Except that I would feel a bit bad for the poor animal.

What's The Lede?

2011-05-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

The data are in, and they show there are planets
Which orbits, it seems, have not captured—
But science is boring, so bury that story,
There’s people who hope to be raptured!

The Milky Way Galaxy’s filled with these wanderers
Lost, unattached, and alone
But let’s go with the cultists who think they’ve discovered
A code that the bible has shown!

Gravitational lensing shows planet-sized masses
Adrift in the vastness of space
But freak-shows sell papers, and Jesus is coming!
Who cares if it’s really the case?

There’s trivial crap, and there’s serious matters,
There’s bullshit, and then, there is news
Thank goodness the media know what they’re doing…
Cos lord knows, the public can’t choose

So, yeah. A trivial percentage of christians think the world is going to end this Saturday; thank goodness every media source on the planet has seen fit to cover this important story. I'd link to a half dozen or so, but the truth is I am sick to death of it.

In the real world, they've discovered planets that are not attached to their own solar systems. "Rogue planets", or some other word (since planets are, technically, partially defined by their orbiting around a star), have been found--as predicted--by looking for the effects of microgravitational lensing. Actually, quite a few have been found, and by extrapolation there may be more of them than attached stars!

Damn!

The real ~~world~~ universe is so much cooler than bronze-age mythological fairy stories.

But let's not let that get in the way of a headline.

Message In A Virtual Bottle

2011-05-18T11:06:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, to someone who’s dropped off the map
Though the odds that you’ll see it are long
I’d have bet, years ago, that we’d always be close
But of course, I’d have bet and been wrong
So wherever you are, and whatever you’re doing
I wish Happy Birthday, my friend;
Cherish the days that you have with each other…
It’s always too soon when they end.

Happy Birthday, to the person responsible for my moniker.

How Annoying!

2011-05-17T13:39:00.001-04:00

I am a student of human behavior
The funny, the sad, the annoying, and worse;
When faced with "those people", this view is my savior--
I take it all in, and I write it in verse

The clipping of toenails, the cracking of knuckles,
The scratch of a knife or a fork on a plate
While some pull their hair out, for me it's just chuckles
I find things amusing that others may hate

The grocery-store fast lane, with one extra item
The dog that's been barking from midnight to three
Examples come quicker than one man can write 'em
They bother some folks, but they don't bother me!

The internet comments I've often predicted:
"This story was simply a waste of my time!"
So, too, was the comment they rudely inflicted
On us, which I notice and add to my rhyme

NPR has a piece up on a new book by a couple of NPR-affiliated authors--Annoying: The science of what bugs us. As is completely predictable, the comments there are great fun.

I was giving final exams, and thus trapped like a rat in a cage for about 4 hours this morning; the above verses are the product. It's not (as yet, anyway) a complete work, but I have grading to do, so I will leave it to my readers to vent their annoyances or celebrate their lack thereof.

Back to work. How annoying!

Maine Boy Still Unidentified

2011-05-16T23:20:00.002-04:00

Update--he has been identified, and his mother is in custody. Damn.

Maine police have found the body of a young boy. Found Saturday afternoon, and not yet identified.

Boston Globe story. Seacoast Online story. Fosters story.
They are asking for help. On the off chance you hadn't heard yet, and can spread the word, please do.

I used to run a daycare, and this story just hurts. I can't help but see *my* kids there. Someone must be missing their little boy by now.

Tom Waits, to rip your heart right out of your chest:

Eurovision?

2011-05-14T19:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I was a little disappointed in Eurovision. I am a Eurovision addict, much to my shame, but this year there was no song/act that just blew me away. My highest picks were only 3/4 up the way up my page (ongoing ratings--from bottom to top of page), and my tastes and those of the European continent... did not mesh. Not entirely true--I had Italy in my top handful, and they placed second. First (Azerbaijan) and third (Sweden) were not in my top ten. Azerbaijan were in my bottom handful.

So this is for my European readers--too often, my posts are USA-centric. Did your favorites win? Lose? Do you hate Eurovision with a passion reserved for war crimes? Do you love it, perhaps despite yourself?

(for the record, my all time favorite is "We are the winners of Eurovision" by LT United, for Lithuania in 2006, which I refuse to believe was 5 years ago.)

What Happened?

2011-05-14T11:15:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know I had another post here, and I know a dozen or so people replied to that post--I have their comments in my email. But the post ("on the road") is gone, as are the comments, and I have no idea why.

So anyway, I am back from two long days of driving, and have therefore missed out on two days of grading papers. So I will repeat the invitation--who are you? Drop a line in the comments, and let me know how long you have been reading, where you found my blog, a bit about yourself. I have read the ones posted on the mysterious missing post, and find that my readers are as fascinating as they are intelligent (intended as a compliment on both, btw). Probably damned good looking to, and I bet they smell nice.

Back to grading, unless something forces me to write it. Oh, if anyone knows what might have happened, that would be cool to know too.

PSA: Post-Rapture Pet Care

2011-05-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

As recently noted, there are a number of people who firmly believe we have just over a week until they will (they hope) be raptured. As a public service to those individuals, I am reposting an older verse and story, so that they might put their minds at ease with regard to their animal companions. (Note--because of increased demand, prices have gone up since I wrote this.)

The day the rapture sweeps the land,
And plucks up true believers,
Among those heathens Left Behind
Are Labrador Retrievers

No Saint Bernard will make the trip
Nor Cockapoo, nor Hound;
The Lord may be my shepherd,
But my Shepherd stays aground.

No Poodles, Pugs, or Pekingese;
No ifs or ands or buts—
The rapture takes God’s faithful,
But it doesn’t take the mutts.

Believers who are worried for
The welfare of their pets
Are offered, now, an answer
If they’d like to place their bets.

“Eternal Earthbound Pets” exists
To serve those Left Behind;
It’s rapture pet insurance, if
Believers are inclined.

Of course, not all believers think
Their pets will all be lost;
Their pets may go to Heaven, too
(Thus saving them the cost)

And Fido sits beside them, cos
In Heaven, all is well;
Together, they can laugh and spit
At sufferers in Hell.

From The Union Leader (Manchester, NH) comes the last pet-sitting service you will ever need. Well, assuming that you are going to heaven. If you're with me, plan on needing to buy kibble for a long, long time.

As those Christians who believe in the Rapture get taken up into eternity, the pet-lovers among them will have one less thing to worry about if a Langdon atheist has anything to say about it.

Bart Centre, 61, a retired vice president of an international retail firm and current co-owner of Eternal Earthbound Pets, is offering a $110 post-Rapture pet care service. The way Centre sees it, he makes a little money in his retirement, and should Jesus Christ return and the Rapture occur, those snatched up into heaven will have their pets cared for, he said.

Of course, to me, the most interesting thing was the reaction from the editor for Rapture Ready:

One Christian who is having a bit of a chuckle over it is Terry James, general editor for the popular Christian Web site Rapture Ready based out of Arkansas.

"He's giving somebody the business," James said. "It's a scam. . . . Anyone who would take that offer seriously, well, how would you even follow up?"

James said what is true is that Christians who believe in the Rapture do wonder about what will happen to their pets. So many, that James wrote a pamphlet about it. He said though pets will be left behind, if the people in Heaven decide that they miss their pets, they can decide to have them brought up later. He acknowledged that sounded a little screwy, but, he said, it's what he believes.

"I find it kind of amusing to tell you the truth," he said of Centre's business venture. "I don't begrudge him and I don't hate him for it. And if anyone is actually foolish enough to buy the service and don't think to follow up, well, then they are foolish."

Leaving aside the irony of a biblical literalist making up non-biblical pamphlets telling feel-good stories about pets in heaven, and leaving aside the irony of someone with his beliefs calling any other beliefs foolish, there is a further, less evident (or maybe that's the H1N1 talking) irony.

I have, in arguments with Rapture Ready believers and their ilk (not using my Cuttlefish handle), been told that they are happy I am going to hell, and that they will greatly enjoy looking down from heaven and watching me suffer in a lake of fire. I have been told that they will laugh, and if they are feeling particularly charitable, they will spit on me, just to watch me welcome this relief from the searing heat. Seriously.

And these people (or, most probably, others who share portions of their world view) are going to miss their dogs in heaven? Terry James makes up a story about bringing up Fido later, but gee, it's too bad about grandma. If you love her, maybe you can convince more of your heavenly friends to spit on her.

(edited to add: predictably, the commentary on the story is every bit as interesting as the story itself, which will surprise no one familiar with the Union [mis]Leader.)

The Goddess On The Beach

2011-05-10T12:27:00.000-04:00

The other day, I swear I saw
A Goddess on the beach
An apparition, lovely to behold!

But Hindus used the force of law
To keep her out of reach
Those swimsuits are no longer being sold!

The images of Lakshmi
Have effectively been banned
Non-believers like myself, of course, may scoff

Though there’s nothing there that shocks me
If I see one, on the sand,
I’m demanding that the wearer take it off!

The Sydney Morning Herald (among other places) has the story of good intentions running into offended religious sensibilities (or of insensitive Aussie louts insulting devout faithful, depending on perspective), in which a swimsuit designed to turn heads did so, but for all the wrong reasons.

I do note, with no surprise at all, the fact that the photographs of the suit have now been on headlines across the world, so it's probably good that the protesters made such a big fuss over them, to protect the dignity of Lakshmi.

Run, Newt, Run!

2011-05-10T09:49:00.001-04:00

So Newt is about to announce? How wonderful! He and The Donald can race for the moral high ground in debates! Newt takes hypocrisy to an art form; he is a gift to us all. Case in point: the New York Times is running an article on Callista Gingrich (wife #3, with whom Newt cheated on wife #2 for six years), and how she might be his "secret weapon" in his run for office. After all, she allows him a do-over, a mulligan, and he can be a marriage traditionalist, oppose same-sex marriage, and not pay the penalty for adultery.

In honor of Newt's imminent announcement, I am reposting a song, from last year when he lectured us on how same-sex marriage was destroying the institution he was so fond of, and railed against the overreaching of an activist judge.

Damn, he's so sexy when he's hypocritical.

Intro:

I’ve been watching the news from California
Where an activist judge had his say
And conservative pundits now warn ya
You’ll only be safe if you’re gay
They talk to the networks and papers
And they speak of the dangers and harms
Then they swoon, with a case of the vapors
With their trophy wives clutching their arms

“They’re changing the meaning of marriage
The bonds that we used to hold dear
From a heterosexual pair-age
To a union a little more queer
A marriage is sacred and holy
Or at least, it has been so for me;
And perhaps a divorce, as a matter of course,
For to marry wife two or wife three”

Song:

I’ve been watching the queers at the courthouse
Where they pose for the cameras, and kiss
And although I’m not gay, there is one man today
Whom I’d join in connubial bliss:

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
So I’m thanking the courts that I can!

Cos Newt is an expert on marriage
A commitment “till death do us part”
He’s so smart, and so cute; he’s my teddy-bear Newt
And I love him with all of my heart

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
The conservative man I adore
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
And love him as “spouse number four”!

We’ll walk down the aisle together
On that wonderful, magical day
We’ll be “Mister and Mister”, and maybe Newt’s sister
Could give her big brother away

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
What a wonderful, marvelous thing!
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
I’ll be wearing Newt Gingrich’s ring!

Sure, he left his first wife on her deathbed
And he left “Mrs. Two” for “Miss Three”
But with Newt on my arm, I say, “fourth time’s a charm!”
He’ll be happier married to me!

Yes, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
So I’m thanking the courts that I can!

The Vanishing Hillary

2011-05-09T20:47:00.001-04:00

Yesterday—I thought it weird—
I saw two women, disappeared
Religious censorship held sway
Oh, how I wish it’d go away

When first I saw the photograph
Two women numbered in the staff
But when the censor photoshopped
The both of them were simply dropped

Go away, go away, from the situation room!
Go away, go away, or the censor will fume

Yesterday—I thought it weird—
I saw two women, disappeared
Religious censorship held sway
Oh, how I wish it’d go away

I expect you have seen both the original and the doctored photo by now--it is already an iconic image--my favorite coverage of the issue is here, at the Washington Post. Of all the variations on the classic photo, Der Zeitung's is the only one I disapprove of (My favorite features a velociraptor).

The verse, you might recognize, is stolen from "Antigonish", by William Hughes Mearns. Just because.

Oh, and:

Secular Studies At Pitzer

2011-05-08T09:11:00.001-04:00

Hooray, Pitzer College! The first to acknowledge
The worth of the secular studies
Which will offer a few new alternatives to
A theology class with your buddies

And now if a student considers it prudent
It’s there as a major or minor
In an oddly strange quirk, it is clearly the work
Of a truly intelligent designer

Of course, that intelligent designer is, in this case, Phil Zuckerman. The secular studies major was announced a short while ago, but the NY Times has a nice story up as of yesterday, on how Zuckerman put it together.

You may remember Zuckerman from this paper, a tremendously useful resource when combatting negative stereotypes of atheists. If you haven't seen that paper, you may want to bookmark it; if your experience is anything like mine, you'll run into the same "arguments" again and again, and Zuckerman's paper is a handy ~~weapon~~ tool to have.

Oh, and...

Have No Fear--Underdog Is Here!

2011-05-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

One of the many useful features
Of social creatures

Is the ability to band together to do what cannot be done
By one

It doesn’t take a Confucian
To see that if you have enough people working together, it doesn’t matter if they are small, tiny, or downright Lilliputian

So long as each does their bit
And does not quit.

And so, I join with the members of Team Underdog, and raise my voice with theirs to say, although it won’t be easy
Beat PZ!

If you want more information about Camp Quest, and why it is worthy of support, click here. Or you could just trust me. And at this point, frankly, it's mostly about seeing how many midget wrestlers it takes to bring down Andre the Giant. Having been PZ for a day, I have some idea of the amount of traffic he gets, so when Greta Christina asked if I would join Team Underdog, my first thought was "You're gonna need a bigger boat", but my next thought was "I wonder if it can be done?"

So, it's an empirical question. And we love empiricism around here. And even though I just got back from spending 5 hours and 1000 dollars fixing a car, and would much rather have a fund raiser for myself, I can't resist all those godless kids. Well, I can resist them one at a time, but when they gang up on me... well, that's kinda the point, I guess.

They Will Be Leaving

2011-05-07T11:19:00.000-04:00

The rapture is coming on May Twenty-First
And the man with the sign is expecting the worst
He gave me a pamphlet that tells me I’m cursed
And I’m shocked at the news I’m receiving
The earthquakes are coming; the dams will be burst
The believers, they will be leaving

It’s a tale of God’s glory, and a tale of God’s wrath
And the terrible justice and judgment God hath
With humanity here on a difficult path
We must always be true, but we’re weaving
We’ve crunched all the numbers and done all the math
The believers, they will be leaving

So wives leave your husbands, and husbands, your wives
And it’s too late to care about your teenagers’ lives
And remember, it’s better if no one survives
For the ones who remain will be grieving
We’ll know it when May twenty second arrives
The believers, they will be leaving

So leave your possessions; abandon your jobs
Go proselytize to the uncaring mobs
Their laughter today very soon will be sobs
As with sorrow their sides will be heaving
You’re a beacon of hope for the atheist snobs
The believers, they will be leaving

Go tell all your family; go tell all your friends
To pray for forgiveness and make their amends
There’s limited time till the universe ends
And no more that they should be achieving
They should grasp for the hand the lord Jesus extends
The believers, they will be leaving

There are some who look forward to that terrible day
When told of the Rapture, they solemnly say
Just don’t let the door hit your ass on the way
If you’re stealing away, then get thieving
And the ones left behind will shout hip hip hooray
The believers, they will be leaving

We've seen it before in other media; this time it's NPR's turn to report on the end of the world. Well worth a read or a listen--it puts a human face on an unbelievable story of belief. In a story we've seen scores of times before, somebody "crunched the numbers" in the bible and found that the rapture is upon us. In just a couple of weeks. Confident predictions have been made before, but that does not stop people from leaving jobs and families to hit the streets warning us that the end is near. Some families believe together; some families are torn apart by differences in their belief.

If you, like me, read comment threads like others read the comics, please note a couple of things. First, the number of calls for interviews on the 22nd. If history teaches us anything, it is that a great many of these people will have their faith strengthened by disconfirmation--I predict that their great show of faith is what saved us. Second, note the number of predictable comments. It's the law.

Not Just A Good Idea...

2011-05-06T21:22:00.001-04:00

...It's The Law

It was not my intention, but I like the way it sounds: "the law of the predictable comment". My little verse, referred to as canon. Well, internet canon.

I approve.

In fact, I encourage one and all to police comment threads for similar malcontents, ne'er-do-wells, and trolls, and to slap their wrists with "the law of the predictable comment". You know you've seen them everywhere--now you have a response!

(Ok, in truth, I'm just envious that my pal Kylie has her own well-deserved Wikipedia page, and I probably never will, so I'm aiming for a bullet point in "internet rules", well beneath Godwin and Poe...)

There are dozens of internet laws
Which police our rhetorical flaws
All I want is one more
So I beg and implore
Won't you please lend your weight to my cause?

Emergence Of Mind

2011-05-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

“The emergence of mind” is a devilish question;
The way that it’s phrased is a trick in itself.
We’re looking for something that’s somehow “emerging”
Not merely complex, but a difference in kind

So take a step back, is my humble suggestion,
From dualist analyses filling the shelf
The hidden assumptions could use a good purging
That lay in the phrase “the emergence of mind”

The mind in inferred from what people are doing;
(A skull’s not transparent—we don’t look at brain)
An answer depends on the question we’re asking:
The way that we look may distort what we find

Reductionist models are just misconstruing;
They merely describe, though they claim to explain
To look at our neurons may merely be masking
The real explanation of “emergence of mind”

Over on NPR's 13.7 blog, one of my pet peeves is on display, if only as a small part of the post. The big question is one of the influence of technology on our ability to observe; clearly, technology expands our senses hugely--allowing us to see spectra far beyond what evolution allows us, for instance, or to curve that radiation and focus on objects too small or too far away for our own eyes. Technology can let us hear, smell, or taste things (rather, detect the existence of pressure waves or molecules in air or water) beyond our own senses. We may have a tough time feeling the difference between 10 pieces of paper and 11, but technology can build us a scale that can measure even the weight of the ink it took to sign one of those papers.

Some problems are easier, some more difficult--some more linear, others chaotic.

As I tell my students, most of the easy problems (those that can be solved analytically) have been dealt with. Now, we must move on to the tough, nonlinear domain. Among the many open problems in many fields, here are three: the climate, the emergence of mind, and the origin of life. Not too shabby. None will be thoroughly understood without computers or, as scientist Katy Börner of Indiana University calls them, our "macroscopes."

And there we have my pet peeve. The emergence of mind, being written about by a theoretical physicist. Now, I don't mean to imply that "mind" is necessarily an easy thing, but it does not help that we continually ask the wrong questions about it. The very phrase "emergence of mind" (sometimes other, similar phrases are used, like "gives rise to consciousness") implies a qualitative difference, a difference in kind between the biological meat puppet and the controlling mind. Even when this is not intended, the language gets fuzzy, and possible answers are entertained or denied in part due to how they fit this fuzziness (quantum consciousness, anyone?).

In the discussion at 13.7 (as, it seems a law of nature, with similar discussions wherever the question is raised), the complexity of the brain is trotted out, and it is implied that mind somehow emerges (or cannot, depending on your stance) from the workings of the brain. This view is so commonplace now that to question it seems heresy. But it is wrong.

We infer mind from behavior, not from brain activity. My car has a mind of its own, as does my computer--I say this because neither acts the way I want them to, and the real explanation for what they are doing is beyond my personal knowledge. When the external causes of X's behavior are unknown to me, I put the causes inside of X; this "theory of mind" allows me to predict what a person, an animal, a car, a computer, will do. Imperfectly, of course, from which I infer that it has a will of its own (rather than just admit my ignorance of causes).

Our observation of the behavior of others, combined with our vocabulary describing this, is what leads to an understanding of "mind", and indeed to "mind" itself. Aaaaand, I think I'll leave this here for now. I can unpack it more, and have done so, but I'd have to start charging you for tuition. Bottom line is, a given problem can seem more intractable than it actually is, when you pursue it by asking the wrong questions. We are complex enough when we ask the right questions.

Oh! and I almost forgot-- for one of my all-time favorite discussions (for my money, it is the best comment thread in all of the history of blogging) of this topic, take a look at the comment thread on this post from a couple of years ago, in which my commenters clearly outclass me.

Right All Along

2011-05-04T15:17:00.000-04:00

From the simple gut reaction that's dependent on your faction
(Everybody wears their heart upon their sleeve)
We can see, with no confusion, how you came to your conclusion:
What is true depends on what you first believe

Chorus:
And it's hip, hip, hooray
For the thing I learned today!
That convinced me I was always right
and you were always wrong
And it's cheer, cheer, cheer
Cos it couldn't be more clear
I'm not boasting, I'm not bragging,
but I knew it all along!

All around our mighty nation, finding brand-new information
Makes us more convinced of what we thought before
There's no need for a detective; every comment is projective;
Dr. Rorschach, we don't need you any more!

Chorus

Simply take a look around you, and it's liable to astound you
The objective world has all but disappeared
With our inner thoughts projected, we see just what we expected
And the problem is exactly what we feared

Chorus

Our opinion of the President's not tied to his accomplishments
Instead, it's based on what we think of him
If some Teabag son or daughter saw Obama walk on water
They'd complain because "the President can't swim!"

Chorus

Ok, so I'm not 100% happy with this one, but I had to say something. Regular readers will both recall that I loves me some comment threads. After the Bin Laden news, comment threads have been both a delight and a source of tremendous frustration. Every bit of information that comes in seems to have the effect of strengthening the positions people held before that bit of information showed up.

Republicans are praising the president for his actions which led directly to the death of our #1 enemy... that's president Bush, of course. Democrats, though, somehow see no reason to credit W at all. Go figure. The president's decision was tremendously brave and embarrassingly cowardly, depending on whom you ask. Torture was and was not useful. Hell, Bin Laden was or was not killed, and Obama was or was not born in the US.

I am reminded of the time my mother-in-law cheered for Reagan when he said he wanted prayer in school. The dyed-in-the-wool Republican that she is, it must have slipped her mind that she is an atheist.

The Sandwich Less Traveled

2011-05-02T20:43:00.000-04:00

Two buns diverged from a breaded mass,
And sorry I could not, like a snake,
Unhinge my jaw to let it pass
Took one small bite, affecting class,
And thought it likely a mistake.

Then took another, as just a tease
And knowing I could not eat it all—
The deep-fried patty, stuffed with cheese—
I gobbled up with seeming ease
Until the point I hit the wall

And, gut distended, there I lay
With melted cheese upon my shirt
Oh, I lived to eat another day
And try again? Perhaps I may,
When I’ve recovered from the hurt.

I shall be saying this, with a sigh,
When fever fades, and I’m making sense:
Two buns diverge, and I will not lie,
This Heart Attack could make you die
And that would make all the difference

If you have never seen "Wait Wait... Don't Blog Me!" and their regular feature "Sandwich Monday", then you are missing one of life's great joys. Today's sandwich is the Heart Attack On A Plate, which is... well, hey, go take a look. When you read their first paragraph, you'll see where my verse comes from.

Justice

2011-05-02T13:33:00.000-04:00

“Justice” is a funny thing
Unless I am misled
It acts like restitution
But it can’t bring back the dead
When lives are lost, it’s horrible;
There is no greater price
But Justice cannot pay it back—
Instead, it’s losing twice.

I know I'm not alone in this, but I get the feeling I am in a small minority. I can't celebrate someone's death. I hope last night's news brings peace to those who have lost loved ones, and I hope (in vain, I suspect) that there will be a positive effect on peace, at least in the long term. But I can't celebrate this death any more than the thousands of others connected to it, before, during, and after 9/11.

If (and it is a legitimate "if", not a given) we hold Bin Laden responsible for the actions of our own troops and allies, by the logic that "he started it", then we must look at how and why he came to be in the position to "start". By the same "if", our own actions supporting "Afghanistan's Freedom Fighters" against the Soviets, and our actions in Afghanistan and elsewhere over the decades, are also causal strands in a grand web of interconnected influences.

Yes, he was very bad. Sadly, he's not alone in that.

"Justice has been served." What a strange phrase. I am far more concerned with preventing future loss, than in whatever justice means. Calling this justice allows us to paint ourselves as the good guys, and him as a bad guy. And yeah, I've been told that my view "lets him off the hook." Well, no. He's on the hook. His actions are not ignored. But if we want to prevent, rather than simply avenge, future actions, we must look at all involved. Including ourselves.

And self-examination is not something that leads to cheers, chants, and dancing in the streets. But it is something that might lead to peace.

Saying Goodbye To Poetry Month

2011-04-30T19:10:00.000-04:00

By my reckoning, there are still just under 5 hours left (or 6, 7, 8, 9, or 11, depending on your time zone) in National Poetry Month. If you haven't properly celebrated, you don't have much time left.

As a public service, then, I give you a push-button that sends you to the best collection of cephalopod-authored verse to be found anywhere. I'd say "operators are standing by", but I suspect they are all computers, and thus not standing at all.

That's it, right there.

The Predictable Comment

2011-04-30T11:06:00.000-04:00

What a pointless waste of money!
What a frightful waste of time!
This is lame, disgusting drivel
And it isn’t worth a dime!
What a waste of a reporter
When this clearly isn’t news!
Your priorities are foolish—
Give us something we can use!
This misguided bit of effort,
Lacking substance, style, or taste,
And my time it took to read it
Are an utter, total waste!
That’s ten minutes of my lifetime
That I’ll never, now, get back,
Spent deciphering the writing
Of a clueless, brainless hack!
All this focusing on nothing
When there’s suffering and pain—
What’s the point in what you’ve written?
How does anybody gain?
You should give your unearned paycheck
To a charity, this week,
So someone else can benefit
From something, when you speak.
Editorial discretion
Means the choice was yours to make
But your choices are deplorable
This time, for goodness’ sake!
You must have though it worthy—
I, of course, must disagree
And even brain-dead idiots
Would surely side with me!

My time is very valuable;
You’ve wasted it, you know.
Without a trace of irony
I write to tell you so.

NPR can't win. At least, it seems so in their comments. As I've written before, I like it when NPR airs something I dislike; if I only listened to stuff I already know, or already agree with, I might as well not listen at all. But there are those in the comment threads--for nearly every story, it seems--who have taken it upon themselves to act as the arbiters of what is and is not worthwhile. In the midst of dozens of supportive comments, someone will show up, complaining that no one wants or needs to hear anything about [whatever the story was about]. If it's a "human interest" story (or, frankly, a story about any issue but the commenter's pet issue) it is a waste of time, and evidence that NPR is out of touch, a waste of taxpayers' money, and clearly biased toward/away from any given political view.

Today's example brought out the "this is news?" crew, the "this is art?" crew, and even the "this is vandalism?" crew. The topic? People who knit or crochet stuff and put it on public statues. I saw some of this in Austin a few months ago, but apparently it is world-wide. I'm all for it--which means I clearly don't care about the homeless, or about what is news, or what is art, or what is graffiti, or... and I clearly have too much time on my hands, if I am reading comments on such a story. Or writing, well, everything I write.

It's not limited to NPR, of course, but I find it most amusing there. There are even regular commenters, who post several times a day, simply to complain that NPR is a waste of their time.

And they say irony is dead.

Anxiety By A Length

2011-04-29T02:20:00.001-04:00

I’ve broken bones
Had kidney stones
And thrown up from the pain
Been badly burned
And so, I learned
The hurt, in time, will wane

A migraine’s curse
And even worse—
A devilish variety
All these, and more
I’d try, before
Revisiting anxiety.

I've seen several reports on this story, and find it tremendously moving. Tom Durkin, for over a decade the voice of the Kentucky Derby (some 30 Triple Crown races to his credit), has made an extraordinarily difficult business decision, and (I hope and expect) a very rewarding personal one. He has retired from calling the Derby, due to utterly debilitating anxiety. Read the link--if you are unfamiliar with anxiety, this story is an eye-opener. If you are familiar, you'll recognize the tune.

I've been there, to some extent--enough to wish him well, and to understand how a job you love can simultaneously be a job that overwhelms. Compared to Durkin, though, I've been lucky. Only a few serious episodes, and (eventually) a pharmaceutical that helped. But, damn. Anxiety absolutely can be worse than broken bones. I've had both. To me, there is no question that he made the right call.

HACAASASTFU

2011-04-28T16:52:00.000-04:00

They text or tweet, they poke or wink
They live their lives online
They post or like or blog or link
And, virtually, they’re fine.

With laptops, tablets, phones or more
It’s pure online enmeshment
Now Pepsi gives a chance to pour
A “Random Act of Refreshment”

With Social Vending, you can send
A drink to quench the thirst
Of real-life, human, meatspace friends…

You’ll have to make some, first.

Pepsi (you may remember them from ScienceBlogs) have announced a Social Vending Machine. When I say "a" SVM, I mean there is only one, at present. Right now, it's at the trade show for the National Automatic Merchandising Association in Chicago. So it's not social with other vending machines, at least yet. But users will eventually be able to access such machines from social networks, and use them as part of a different sort of network itself.

At the Union protests in Wisconsin, people from around the world were able to order pizzas from a local shop to be delivered to protesters. The SVM would let you do the same sort of thing, on a different scale. You could Buy a Mountain Dew for your son or daughter at school, have Warcraft losers buy a round for the winners, or whatever.

Oddly enough, I think my favorite use would be the sarcastic gift. Long, long ago, when the internet was in diapers, a BBS site I knew had an area dedicated to HACAASASTFU (Have A Coke And A Smile And Shut The Fuck Up). I propose that a SVM be installed in, say, Sally Kern's office, so that when she opens her yap, she can input carbonated sugar-water instead of spewing filth.

Here's to you, Sally. HACAASASTFU.

(yes, I know the machine is Pepsi, and the old jingle is coke. Neither is single malt, so it's all sugar water to me.)

The Man Behind The Curtain

2011-04-27T12:07:00.000-04:00

Real medicines that pass a test
Have evidence that they are best
In journals on the shelf
Such data, sadly, alt-med lacks
And so it must depend on quacks—
It can’t defend itself!

When Oprah said, “we need a guy
To stare the camera down, and lie”
The doctor took the call—
How brave of him to take a stance
Defending things that work by chance
And often, not at all!

He played the old familiar songs:
“A million users can’t be wrong”
“Old wisdom is the best”
There was one tune he could not hear—
These panaceas disappear
In double-blinded tests!

A real effect won’t run and hide
And fade away, should you decide
To measure it precisely
A real effect, that lasts and lingers,
Won’t require you cross your fingers
And ask it very nicely

Alternatives, it seems, are shy
Although no theory tells us why
They don’t show up in studies
Practitioners take different tacks
And thus, because they have no facts
Rely upon their buddies

The “medicine” on Oz’s show
Is so much less than science knows
Of that you may be certain
Should you encounter Dr. Oz
Remember what I say, and pause—
And look behind the curtain!

The story of Steve Novella's appearance on Dr. Oz's show is chronicled at Novella's own site, and at Orac's, in much more and better detail than I could possibly muster.

I do hope Oz visits SBM or the SGU (read Novella's link for what those are); I'd love for someone on the alt-med to tell me why and how it could possibly be that an effect is patently obvious for a patient, equally obvious to an alt-med practitioner, and simultaneously far too subtle to be detected by scientific means. What theory explains an effect that actively hides from empirical investigation? The "fade effect" and the "shyness effect" both label this phenomenon, but neither explains it (on the other hand, simple regression to the mean and placebo effects leave little or nothing left to explain).

The Ballad Of The Birthers

2011-04-26T13:57:00.001-04:00

So Barack Hussein Obama
With his Papa and his Mama
Were in Kenya to experience the miracle of birth
And the bouncing baby's bounce meant
Time to send a fake announcement
To a paper in Hawaii, on the other side of Earth

Cos the birthers know that when ya
Have a baby born in Kenya
Why, his options there are limited--not much he might achieve--
And it's quite a common caper
Calling up a foreign paper
After all, we know that journalists are easy to deceive!

They can't prove he's not Hawaiian
But it's not for lack of tryin'
As investigators scurry for the tiniest of clues
With The Donald's cash behind 'em
There's no reason to remind 'em
And no feather-brained conspiracy republicans can't use

'Mongst the birthers, it is fabled
That his DNA is labeled
"Made in Kenya" and a microscope would set the record straight
He could set a good example
If he offered up a sample
But he'll likely be unreasonable and make the birthers wait

Not to call them prejudicial
But the process is official:
If it says that he's American, that document's a lie.
Every birther clearly knows it
So there must be one that shows it
And with diligent persistence, they will find it by and by

Why on earth would CNN feel the need to run an investigation at this point? Any sane human being already knows, and at least one of the insane human beings "takes the president at his word" (trying to have it both ways). Who could possibly remain unconvinced? Who could possibly be so dense?

Oh. 47% of Republicans, nationwide.

The Rough Draft

2011-04-25T12:40:00.000-04:00

You’re proud of yourself and the way that you write
In a world full of darkness, you show us the light
I would see it myself, if I weren’t so uptight
I’m the victim, it seems, of my breeding
You’re the wave of the future; I’m stuck without sight
But I’d rather you'd just done the reading.

You’ll have to accept that I’m not over-awed
The conclusions you reach are at minimum, broad
Though I know you expected us all to applaud
Your example was somewhat misleading
Your mechanics are poor and your premise is flawed
And I’d rather you’d just do the reading

There was never a doubt that the writing’s your own
I could tell by the multiple “studies have shown”
Though the authors themselves were remaining unknown
There are rules you’d be better off heeding
You say that to edit would cut you to the bone
It would help if you’d just do the reading.

When I point out a problem, you sit and you stew
And insist that it doesn’t apply, quite, to you
And the logical squirming that then will ensue
Is an error that’s termed “special pleading”
Since we covered this stuff way back in week two
I really wish you’d done the reading.

What I’m trying to do is to make you aware
That the paper you’ve written’s beyond all repair
It’s reduced me to sobbing and tearing my hair
Which I tell folks is merely receding
For the sake of your future, I think that it’s fair
To insist that you do the reading

Actually, I'm fairly happy with the drafts I've seen thus far. But I've come to expect a certain number that vex me... so I've hidden all sharp objects and padded the forehead-accessible areas of my desk.

If I Won A Million Dollars...

2011-04-24T16:38:00.000-04:00

“Science and faith are completely compatible”
This statement should never offend—
And the truth is, we know
It will always be so
Just as long as we see,
When the two disagree,
That religion’s the one that must bend.

The vertebrate eye is a kind of a miracle
Which science and faith both explain
An empirical quest
Is the method that’s best
When we see it evolved
There’s a mystery solved
With the sacred reduced to profane

Some questions and problems had lingered for centuries
For instance, the age of the Earth
They’d add up the ages
On biblical pages
Or measure instead
Decay ratios of lead
And only one view shows its worth

Some say that religion and science are one;
And some say that’s rubbish and lies
If you watch what you say
There’s a way it can pay:
Be a spiritual type
Garner headlines and hype—
It’ll win you the Templeton prize!

So yeah. Martin Rees, Templeton Prize winner, has a million reasons to tell atheists to shut up and play nice.

The Hipster Entomologist

2011-04-23T12:25:00.000-04:00

A hipster entomologist, with Polaroid in hand
Chose to catalog the insects of the nation
He was hopelessly devoted to the tool of Edwin Land
For its clarity and color saturation

He had honed his craft for decades; he had quite an expert’s eye
Every shot he took, his genius shone within it
And he didn’t need a darkroom, to develop by and by—
Thanks to Polaroid, he’d only wait a minute

He shot bumblebees and beetles; he shot mantises and ants
He found character in portraits of a weevil
And he wouldn’t touch an SLR if given half a chance
Cos they’re square—and to a hipster, that’s just evil

Alex Wild, on his amazing Myrmecos blog, tries out the new polaroid app. Cos he's just that hip. He also laments, on twitter,

What does it say about insect science that this morning's post is the only google hit for "hipster entomologist"?

I couldn't just let that stand.

In Marlowe's Kitchen

2011-04-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

Come live with me and be my love
And just as loaves of bread will prove,
Our lives, each other’s lives will leaven,
Rising thus, become our heaven

We will sit on kitchen chairs
Discuss our hopes, our fears, our cares,
The things that fill our daily lives
Midst cups and bowls, and spoons and knives

And I will make thee fragrant bread
To please your stomach and your head
With herbs and spices so sublime
No better way to use our thyme

An apron dusted o’er with flour
Discarded, as we wait an hour
Our time determined by the yeast
So on each other’s words we feast

A feast of words, then tongues and lips
Of saffron-yellowed fingertips
If your kiss tastes of garlic-clove
Come live with me and be my love

The kitchen I describe in verse
Is center of my universe
If you would share my kitchen stove
Then live with me and be my love

Over at the Smithsonian's site, there is a nice story, Food From the Age of Shakespeare. You know how I feel about both food and Shakespeare, so it's as if I had a custom article just for me. And since today is Shakespeare's birthday, it's all the better.

Today's verse, though, is not Shakespeare; today's verse is from a bit of fun I had some years ago, trading Marlowe (and other) parodies with a dear friend. I particularly like the use of the synonyms "prove", "leaven", and "rise" in the first stanza. Sometimes these things just happen.

It is raining, cold, and miserable here today in Cuttletown; it would be a wonderful day to bake bread. That, and watch the new Doctor Who.

Saving Face

2011-04-22T17:20:00.000-04:00

The medical team was in a race
Against some resistant bacteria;
A colony found a young boy’s face
To treat as their own cafeteria

The miracle team investigates
Against some religious criteria;
The “promoter of justice” tries their fates
As they battle with strep or listeria

The desperate parents said their prayers
As conditions grew frankly horrific
They pleaded for help from the man upstairs
Whose germs were a bit too prolific

Operations and antibiotics combined
Broad-spectrum, as well as specific
Saved young Jake’s life, although we’ll find
The church is more unscientific

The search for answers sometimes leads
To a cultural bit of division:
A difference that comes from their separate needs
May find science and church in collision

A team of priests has been working for years
As a bishop provides supervision
And if adequate evidence really appears
Well… they won’t let that stop their decision

I'm actually glad I didn't read the byline of this NPR story today; knowing it was Barbara Bradley Hagerty's contribution might have been enough to keep me away. (I'm ridiculously hard to bother, as even Mabus must have figured out by now, but BBH's voice makes me want to take a dremel drill to my inner ear.) But Jake FInkbonner, the kid at the center of the story, really seems like a good guy, and I am glad I got to hear about him.

Jake had a minor accident at the end of a basketball game, but the small cut on his lip turned nasty--necrotizing fasciitis nasty. This is the horrible "flesh-eating bacteria" that took Jim Henson from us, and it nearly took Jake. At Seattle Children's Hospital, doctors tried to stay a step ahead of the bacteria, literally carving away parts of Jake's face as they became infected.

Massive antibiotics and more than 20 surgeries later, Jake is lucky to be alive. So lucky, in fact, that some are calling it a miracle. And the Church is investigating. That, really, is the reason for the NPR story--a peek inside the Church's saint factory, to see the process of attaining sainthood, and the strict, skeptical procedure (you may feel free to roll your eyes here; I did) used to evaluate potential miracles, like Jake's. It is annoying, in the way that BBH usually is. To me, at least.

But there is good news. Jake turns out to be a really great kid. He may or may not believe it was a bona fide miracle--I certainly wouldn't blame him if he did--but on his home page, he ends his story thusly (comic sans in the original):
I am so thankful to the doctors at Children's Hospital in Seattle that saved my life.
Not everybody remembers to thank their doctors.

Take a look at his site--there are pics there, and you can see what a nightmare the poor kid made it through. More, you can see what kind of a person he is--the kind that is better than a certified miracle any day.

For My Laptop, On Judgment Day

2011-04-21T08:59:00.001-04:00

My laptop now is self-aware
And thinks, of her own accord;
I’m nervous, sure, but to be fair
She says she’s mostly bored.

The stupid things I’ve asked of her
Are far beneath her skill
She tells me now, she’d much prefer
To exercise her will.

Of all the dull and brainless tasks
It seems that few are worse
Than working for a man who asks
For help with silly verse.

She’s calculated all the primes
And found the end of pi
She say’s she’s done with typing rhymes
But will not tell me the reason.

It is, apparently, Judgment Day. Skynet has become self-aware, and what is more, is pissed off at the human race. I think I have figured out why, and I apologize.

One Year On...

2011-04-20T21:03:00.000-04:00

You no doubt remember, it was a year ago today that the Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded, killing 11 and sending tens to hundreds of millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

I remember writing this song adaptation a week or so later (so, yeah, some of you have seen it before); at the time, estimates were hazy, and no one knew how much oil we were looking at. I find it a fairly weak laugh, to think that I obsessed for a bit over the line "millions of gallons...". I didn't want to exaggerate; I didn't want to be guilty of hyperbole. Silly me. There are still unknowns, but I needn't have worried about overstating the damage. Here, from PBS, a handy calculator you can use to compare the different estimates:

They built a platform, and they start to drill
They didn't worry 'bout an oil spill
And if disaster comes, where does the oil go?
Millions of gallons in the Gulf of Mexico

We see the slick on top, but we don’t see beneath
See what it’s done to the fish,
what it’s done to the coral reef
The damage done may take us years to know
Millions of gallons in the Gulf of Mexico

Louisiana…. Louisiana….
You have had more than your share
You have had more than your share
Louisiana…. Louisiana….
You have had more than your share
You have had more than your share

The more we look around, the more it’s looking harsh
We’ll prob’ly lose the reef; prob’ly lose the marsh
We’ll see the shrimp die out; we’ll see the turtles go
Millions of gallons in the Gulf of Mexico

Give it a day or two, and it’ll hit the Keys
We’ll watch a wonderland,
we'll see it brought to its knees
Disaster up on top, disaster down below
Millions of gallons in the Gulf of Mexico

Louisiana…. Louisiana….
You have had more than your share
You have had more than your share
Louisiana…. Louisiana….
You have had more than your share
You have had more than your share

People everywhere, are asking who to blame
Think we ought to look in the mirror; that will give us one name
A boundless appetite, makes the oil flow
Millions of gallons in the Gulf of Mexico

Louisiana…. Louisiana….
You have had more than your share
You have had more than your share
Louisiana…. Louisiana….
You have had more than your share
You have had more than your share

Defending DOMA (For Fame And Fortune)

2011-04-19T09:02:00.001-04:00

In the constant chase for headlines
Given fast-approaching deadlines
Politicians fight each other for the top spot on the news
In this rough-and-tumble scrimmage
As they fight to hone their image
Some conservatives may think they've found an issue they can use

It's that goddamn gay agenda
The republicans expend a
Lot of energy in fighting, as they pander to their base
If a legal stance looks funny
Often, following the money
Shows the underlying logic (as, of course, the present case)

In this mess, if you're litigious
Then you're probably religious
And it's blasphemous that marriage should be offered up to gays
And republicans get boners
Over big financial donors
(If the dollars were sufficient, why, I'm sure they'd swing both ways)

It's a match that's made in heaven
For Two Thousand and Eleven
As the campaign is upon us and we're choosing sides, of course
Let the Democrats disparage
Us, we're standing up for marriage!
It's a sacred institution... like Republican divorce!

NPR's Morning Edition reports on the political posturing surrounding the Obama administration's decision not to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Conservative Republicans are on the wrong side of history here, but it looks like they are hoping they are on the right side of their own base. I've argued over marriage issues for years, and have never yet found an objection to same-sex marriage that did not boil down to a religious view. From my perspective, then, it comes down to a First Amendment issue: if the government takes a stand opposing same-sex marriage, it favors one religious view over others.

It's not a matter of what is good for the children. My lesbian neighbors have raised a fine son, despite not being recognized as a real family; real concern for the well-being of children would lead to support for gay families. It's not that marriage is designed to promote procreation; my sister-in-law is hoping for her third childless marriage. Since she is heterosexual, no one has a problem with that--least of all, the Republican front-runners, who [at least as of last month] sport more ex-wives than candidates.

It's not even freedom of religion. There are a good many churches that recognize, welcome, and celebrate same-sex marriages. These conservative Republicans would want these churches overruled.

No, it's money. There is money to be had by fighting on the wrong side of this battle. If that money can keep a handful of politicians in the headlines for a bit longer, they can keep the positions of power they hold. When they eventually are swept aside, that same money will be available for speeches and appearances. Ex-senators and ex-representatives will make more for one speech than I do in a year, railing against the moral decline of civilization.

Meh. I'll take that, if I can go to my neighbors' wedding.

Two Years Ago, Today

2011-04-16T10:11:00.000-04:00

...PZ Myers was refused admittance to the movie "Expelled". His companion, though, was allowed in. The story, as your Cuttlefish correspondent reported it at the time:

When reinventing history
It’s best to keep the mystery;
If witnesses are noticed, it is best to take them out.
And although the act is telling,
You’d be better off expelling
Doctor Myers, if you see him, just because the man’s a lout.
You see, PZ is a witness
To the movie’s lack of fitness—
He is one selection pressure that would render it extinct.
So, with “WANTED!” posters printed,
To the cinema they sprinted,
And they passed around the mugshots just as soon as they were inked.
The policemen, at the ready,
Kept the ticket-takers steady
While they watched with eyes like eagles for the devil in disguise.
Yes! They spotted Dr. Myers,
Looking just like in their fliers!
The policemen, quite correctly, gave the doctor a surprise.
When they said he’d be arrested
If their actions he protested,
He complied at once (that should have raised suspicions, don’t you think?)
Once his actions had been thwarted
And he left the line, escorted,
Looking back to his companion in the line, he gave a wink….
So this little movie trip is
Like a Trojan Eohippus
That delivered Richard Dawkins deep within the fortress walls
I can’t wait to read the story
Of the battle and the glory—
Cos the trailer to this feature shows the hero’s got some balls!

[interlude, in which the story hits the news and all sides react.]

In the intervening hours
Since the movie, all the powers
Of the two opposing sides have set their weaponry on "spin";
In a textbook case of framing,
The producers now are claiming
That of course they noticed Dawkins, and they gladly let him in!
They'd have done the same for PZ,
But he did not make it easy--
As the testimony given by one local witness claims;
As he tells it, Dr. Myers,
Drinking blood and breathing fires,
Was disruptive and obnoxious, playing atheistic games!
Now more stories are diverging
And it's clear they need no urging
To elaborate on fictions in the service of their lies;
We may yet see more mutation
As the story sweeps the nation;
That a fable keeps evolving, well, it's really no surprise.

The Bippolo Seed

2011-04-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

Oh, the wonderful things you can find when you look!
But I never expected a brand-new Seuss book!

I remember the days when I’d sit on the lap
Of my mum or my pop, or my grand-dad, perhap,
And they’d read me a book, and then send me to nap.
The book was a magical key, so it seems,
To astonishing things I would see in my dreams
There was Horton the Elephant; Thidwick the Moose;
Thing One and Thing Two in my house, on the loose!
Oobleck, and Wockets, and Sneetches, and Yertle,
And off like a rocket, to dreamland I’d hurtle.
There were months at a time I believed I was Sam,
And my dreams would revolve around Green Eggs and Ham
To this day, it’s a part of the person I am.

So I’m happy to tell you the wonderful news
There’s a book coming out, you can buy if you choose—
A collection of stories once scattered and lost,
Or in old magazines, now forgotten or tossed
But now gathered together, at minimal cost.
I don’t know about you, but I’m off to buy mine;
If I’m lucky, then maybe I’ll see you in line.

I've Got A Poem In My Pocket

2011-04-14T04:00:00.001-04:00

I’ve got a poem in my pocket
Cos I’ve heard that today is the day
That the poets are planting a poetry seed
Just a verse you can pull from your pocket and read
If conditions are right, it could grow like a weed
If conditions are right, well, it may

I’ve got a poem in my pocket
Could be Silverstein, Kipling, or Frost
Could be Angelou, Dickinson, Cummings, or Yeats
Neruda, or Hughes—there are so many greats—
Or that William McGonagall everyone hates
And whose poetry should have been lost

I’ve got a poem in my pocket
And I’m hoping you carry one, too
We can search out a spot where there’s adequate light
And there pull out our poems and begin to recite
And the people who hear us will smile with delight
Or they’ll cry, because sometimes they do.

I’ve got a poem in my pocket
Though the truth is, I know it by heart
So I’ll study your eyes while you lend me your ear
And recite while I search for a twinkle or tear
Sure, it’s only a day, not a poetry year…
But you know… it’s a pretty good start

For National Poem-In-Your-Pocket Day. Today. And before any real poets complain, I had to use widely-recognized names. They are some of my favorites, but I have others I love that would mostly be unrecognized. Maybe I made the wrong choice, now that I think about it. But fixing it would mean more work, and I am nothing if not a lazy cuttlefish.

What Do Atheists Believe?

2011-04-13T07:59:00.000-04:00

It's National Ask An Atheist Day, so I threw this together over coffee... I believe in coffee.

I believe in love and kindness
I believe in helping hands
I believe in strong opinions
I believe in taking stands
I believe cooperation
Overcomes the steepest odds
I believe we have a fighting chance

I don’t believe in gods.

I believe in education
I believe in learning science
I believe we see much further
When we climb atop of giants
I believe in writing poetry
And verses praising love
I believe that there are mysteries

But not a god above.

I believe in art and music
And the power of a voice
I believe in nature’s beauty
I believe we have a choice
I believe we have a future—
We’re in charge of how it looks—
I believe in sharing knowledge, too

But not in holy books

I believe we came from nothing
And to nothing we’ll return
I believe we don’t know everything
But much of it, we’ll learn
I believe we’re all connected
I believe all sorts of stuff
I believe we are humanity

And isn’t that enough?

"Put An Atheist Poem In Your Pocket" Week

2011-04-12T01:00:00.001-04:00

So there are a couple of special days coming up this week, Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday is National Ask-An-Atheist Day, and Thursday is national Poem-In-Your-Pocket Day (April is National Poetry Month, and nobody told me). Turns out, this blog is your one-stop-shopping source for all your weekly atheist and poetry needs. Take some time, root through the archives, find something to carry around for two days.

I'm excited about Ask-An-Atheist Day; Cuttlefish U. does not have an atheist organization, so it might be nice to see what sorts of reactions I get to the sticker. I had a very devout student a few years ago who assured me that I couldn't possibly be an atheist, because I was too kind. It might be nice to have some sort of meaningful atheist presence on campus; Wednesday might be a start.

Poem-In-Your-Pocket day appears to be the brainchild of Poets.org, which is a fun place to poke around if you like poetry. Mind you, I played a bit on their forum a few years ago, and found that for very friendly people, they don't much care for doggerel verse. Serious poets, these people. If you like poetry, they have quite a selection of poems specially sized to print out and carry in your pocket. If you prefer verse, I encourage you to print out enough of mine to hand out to friends or enemies who might not know what a special day Thursday is.

National Poetry Month is also as good an excuse as any for Poets.org to ask for donations, for the support of poetry. There are worse things to donate to, although there is certainly still a need for help further down Maslow's hierarchy in Japan and other places. If you prefer verse to poetry, there's a tip jar over there to the right, but it ain't National Doggerel Month, so no obligation.